I Am Running for Senator. Who’s With Me?

I’m sick of it. All of it. Healthcare reform. Stimulus packages. Underwear bombers. Nancy Pelosi. Glenn Beck. Keith Olberman. Fair and Balanced. Reconciliation. Tea Party Movement. You can take it all straight to hell on a high-speed rail train via Madison.

I don’t need any of you. What I need is $875.

Hey Politicians on either side of the aisle - don’t tell me what is best for me. I KNOW what is best for me, and right now it’s finding a way to come up with $875. I am getting tired of rich politicians saying I make too much money. It's easy to do when you own a basketball team. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I need $875. And the last time I checked. $875 wouldn't even get me a pair of courtsides tickets to see a team that has had 4 winning seasons in the last 20 years play.

So I hereby announce my candidacy for the Wisconsin U.S. Senate seat, because I want to change laws so I don't have to scrounge around to get $875. Russ Feingold, get the hell out of the way, Satan’s caddy is comin to town with an empty wallet and a bug up his ass.

So you may be asking, “Are you qualified?”  “What experience do you have?” None. Which is precisely why I AM qualified. And DON’T call me a Republican. Just because I think Obama and Pelosi are morons, doesn’t automatically make me a Republican. It means I think Obama and Pelosi are morons. Cheney is a douche and W was a idiot too. That's a 2-2 tie. Stupid isn't red or blue. Stupid is stupid.

I am running for Senate as the only member of the “Common Sense” Party. My platform is simple—give the country a big whack in the head with a baseball bat. We don’t need “Hope and Change”. We need a grumpy, dad to kick our ass and tell us we've got a head filled with sand. That is my political model.

Here are my key platform items and my stance on issues by applying the principles of Common Sense. Simplistic approach? Absolutely. That’s my point. We need to start under-thinking things. 

I have to make a declaration speech at some point. Here are my thoughts. I probably won’t say them exactly because I don’t plan on using a tele-prompter.

            Pass Civics test before you’re elected. Spoiler Alert - We don’t live in a democracy. We live in a republic. See, if these words ring a bell. “And to the republic, for which it stands…” We elect people to vote how we would vote. I don’t have time to go vote because Montana needs a dam for a river. I’ve got to get that drywall in the basement fixed. You handle it. That’s what we pay you for.

         Vote. Don’t just wear your sticker around on your North Face jacket and say you voted. If you didn’t have time to vote because you had to pick up your dry cleaning, shut up. That includes the local elections too. I don't want a guy running my 14,000 person Village because he talked 685 friends into voting for him.

         No more taxes for a while. If the government doesn't have the money to buy new sh*t, then don’t buy new sh*t. I got cut 10% at BOTH my jobs. You know what I did then? I stopped buying sh*t I didn't need.

      Here's a note to Governor Doyle. You're supposed to be a lame duck. Act like it. You're spending money like a wife who knows she is going to leave her husband and starts running up his credit cards. Stop hanging us with the tab. You're killing me here. 

         NRA members are insane. You can't go in all or nothing. Yes, we have the right to bear arms. The right to bear arms doesn’t mean anyone can walk into a store and walk out with a glock. There are some sick mothers out there. And I am not buying  the argument that an automatic rifle that fires 200 rounds a minute is a deer hunting rifle either.

      Stop blaming the previous administration for everything. We elected you, so shut up, and get to work. You sound like Barry, this guy I work with, who keeps bitching about his ex-wife. I hated her too, but she’s been gone for over two years. Man up for chrissakes.”

      Another thing, stop saying "I want..." It's not about you. It's about us. It's about what WE want. Think about the last time you saw a 9-year old kid who kept saying, "I want, I want, I want. Pretty annoying huh? 

        The healthcare system is definitely a trainwreck. BUT, don't stand there and tell me you can write a 2,500+ page bill, know everything that's in it and then vote for it. I’m calling BS. I had to read A Tale of Two Cities in high school and that took me three flippin months. And at the end of the semester, I still flunked the final.

         Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid are bankrupt. And the government should run healthcare? Who ran Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid? Oh yeah, you did. The by all means be my guest, and way don't we spot you a TRILLION DOLLARS to get started.

      Here's a thought...how about enacting some strict laws that clamp down on the insurance and drug companies first. That's where the bleeding is. Let's try that first. See what happens. Pick their pockets before you start picking mine. 

        Taking bailout money from the government and then giving out bonuses is a total dick move. I lent my brother $250 bucks once because he said he had to fix his breaks and the sonofabitch showed up at the golf course with a new driver. What a d-bag.

        If you are not a citizen of this country and you were one of the a-holes that planned 9/11, you’re not entitled to the rights of a US Citizen. Why? Because you’re not a US Citizen. Sorry. You don’t get the same legal protection as a guy who might have planted a tree too close to the neighbor’s property line. Sorry, you just don’t.

       And another thing. Do you honestly think George W. Bush was smart enough to hatch that “our government was behind 9/11” conspiracy theory? Seriously. You're telling me George W. was that smart? If you believe that then you’re the idiot.

      You wanna talk waterboarding? Then let’s call it what it is…a swirlie. You basically jammed the guy's head in the toilet and gave it a flush. Big friggin deal. I got one when I was a freshman. I got a wedgie too. It’s not like they’re burning his schlong with a cigarette. Lighten up. If dunking a terrorist means he gives up info, I have three words for you…fill the f****n pool.

     Oh…and now it’s torture because we play music that is against their religious beliefs? You gotta be kidding me. I had to live an entire semester with a roommate who played freakin Journey all day and night. Walk in my sandals Achmandildnsol.”

      Why should I care if two guys or two chicks get married? It's none of my business. You know what is my business? Where they live. And I want them living next door to me because they take care of their houses, they are friendly, polite, and usually have a wonderful assortment of fresh baked goods. Unlike that d*ckhead down the street who hasn't mowed his lawn in three weeks.

      Don’t call me a hater because I watch Fox News. You can watch Hannah Montana with your pants off for all I care. Why do you care what I watch? And for your information, I don’t watch Fox News because of Bill O’Reilly or Glen Beck. I watch because Gretchen Carlson has awesome legs and great cans.

      Go ahead. Dig up dirt on me. I don’t care. I’ll tell you all the shit I did right now if you want. Hell, when I was younger I used to drive home from Nick’s Tap flippin bulletproof. Window open, hand over one eye. Doesn't mean I do it now. Doesn’t mean I’m proud of it. What else do you wanna know? Wait a second....I've got an idea. Let me ask you a few questions. Did you ever make any dumb decisions? I can give you one. You're a reporter, it's not like you majored in chemistry. You have a communications degree.Which is basically 4 years of college where every answer is "it depends". How do I know that? Because I am a communications major. 

This is just common sense stuff.  Take it for what it is. Don't over-analyze it. Don't heap your baggage on the train. It is what it is. Oh...and it's sarcasm too.