Dear Morbidly Obese Used to Be Naked Shaving Man...

...the gym thanks you 

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but the sight of you shaving naked was about the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. That is, if you don't count that part of "Faces of Death" where the Malaysians eat the brains out of live monkeys. That would be ranked number one. Followed by you Mr. Morbidly Obese Naked Shaving Man. Third place is held by Dane Cook - EVERYTHING by Dane Cook.

What the hell, why don't I just give you my "Top 5 Disgusting Things I Have Ever Seen".

1. Morbidly Obese Naked Shaving Man
2. Malaysians eating the brains of live monkeys in "Faces of Death"
3. Dane Cook
4. Two Girls and a Cup. (Although I have never actually seen the video, I have heard it is the grossest thing in the world. Even with my overactive imagination, I can't picture it being more disgusting than Dane Cook.)
5. KISS - with Vinnie Vincent on Guitar. (What the hell was that Egyptian thing all about?)

Anyway, getting back to the subject at hand, I was very happy when you decided to wear your underpants while shaving. Thank you.

To your credit, I admire your conviction to be at the gym every day and do something about your weight. Most people your size give up, lay in bed and fry chickens on their chest with a plug in frying pan - waiting for the rescue department to come by, blow out a wall and forklift them out of their room and transport them to Brookhaven. Where they will cry, complain and still not lose weight because their enabler keeps sneaking in McDonald's Angus Snack Wraps. (You gotta admit, those are pretty damn good). But you are working out, and for that you are to be commended.

With one exception. I too go to the Starbuck's right after my workout. However, unlike yourself, I don't crush two Cranberry Scones at 400+ calories each. SPOILER ALERT - you won't lose weight when you crush the pastries after the workout. Try a little protein instead. Try hammering down a leftover pork roast or something. Anything is better than a pastry made from about 10% flour and 90% butter. Now, I realize I am no Val Kilmer in the volleyball scene of Top Gun. As a matter of fact, I feel more like John Candy in Summer Rental (Hawks jersey and all), but at least I have enough sense to go for the apple bran muffin.

Anyway, keep up the good work. I can tell you've dropped some pounds - not enough to see your naughty bits yet, but looking good nonetheless. Oh, and didn't the process of losing sight of your naughty bits send up a red flag. Like, "I can barely see my naughty bits, I better put this pecan pie away." I can't imagine completely losing sight of them before I did anything about it.

But I digress.

One last favor - even if you do drop the 300 lbs. you hope to, please don't naked shave ever again. No one looks good naked shaving - not even Mr. Ambiguously Gay Naked Shaving Man, and he's in great shape. He also carries a fine assortment of toiletries and sundries with him – and that’s a good thing.

  

peace

-kb