So many annoyances, so little time.
Before I begin, I would like to make one thing perfectly clear. When I write my little rants about people, it is NOT a description of one particular individual. Nor is it a description of anyone I know personally. It is simply an account of the collective behaviors of a variety of individuals involved in a shared activity.
Also, don’t call me a hater. I am not a hater, I prefer to say I am mildly observant.
Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let us proceed. After careful consideration I now present to you my latest person that I find annoying – the “late-in-life, I am training for a triathlon” guy.
Many of you will say, the only reason this guy annoys me, is because I am not physically fit enough to complete one of these events. To which I respond - you are absolutely, 100% correct. In addition, I don’t want to. And the reason I don’t can be summed up in two words – it’s hard.
Why at my age would I ever say to myself, “I think I want to do the Ironman”. Why would I want to give up all my free time, cheeseburgers, and the comfort of laying on the couch watching “Rehab. Party at the Hard Rock Hotel”. I have nothing to prove to myself. If I want to feel rewarded by physical accomplishment, I will do it vicariously by pledging 10¢ a mile to a co-worker who is walking to raise awareness for the trendy disease du jour. It’s a win-win. They get money and I become aware of their cause, and feel a sense of personal reward knowing I have done something kind and generous.
If you want to train for a triathlon, by all means knock yourself out. But do me a favor and don’t tell me about it EVERY SINGLE TIME I see you. It’s obnoxious and annoying. You wouldn’t go up to a cancer patient and say, “I think I am going to grow my hair out”, would you? Then say to me “I am going to do a triathlon”, when you know damn well I can’t.
Furthermore, you don’t have to constantly tag the phrase “…because I am training for a triathlon” on the back of every sentence. For example, when you’re standing at an hors d’ourves table watching me pile my plate with little weenies, cheese chunks and spinach dip, don’t say – “That looks good. I’d have some myself but I’m…TRAINING FOR A TRIATHLON”. Don’t go ordering a club soda at the bar and then proclaim loudly, “I’d really like a glass of red wine, but I’ve had to give it up ever since I started…TRAINING FOR A TRIATHLON”. Keep it to yourself. Better yet, go hang out with all your other “training for a triathlon” friends and spend the evening talking miles, carbo-loading, split times and target heart rates.
And don’t be calling yourself a tri-athlete either. Unless you have been a tri-athlete for most of your life, you can’t call yourself a tri-athlete just because you signed up for one next March. Until you complete it, you aren’t a tri-athlete. And even then, you’re still not a tri-athlete. You’re just a person that has done a triathlon.
Last, but not least, if you are doing the triathlon to get in shape, for god’s sake don’t start wearing the lycra shorts until you ARE in shape. That extra 30 pounds hanging over the rolled over waistband is disgusting. It is reminiscent of a Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza. I am going to go out on a limb and add that the aerodynamic benefits of a tight fitting triathlon suit aren’t going to shave 3 minutes off your time.
So if you’re currently over 40 and have just decided that you are going to finally do that triathlon, put a sock in it and pass the taco dip if you’re not going to have any.
Posts
4 comments:
Great entry! But, I feel a bit discouraged because i don't even think i hang around people who ever think of dropping the "i am in training"-phrase for anything, anywhere, or at anytime! While it's great not having to listen to the arrogance of such a statement, i can't help but wonder if i'm hanging with a group of couch-potatoe, hockey-loving, ne'er-do-wells who thumb their nose at physical exertion!
On second thought, who cares...
Kevin, thank you for disenfranchising those who mask their egotistical puffery for personal empowerment and inspiration. (Written from the couch)
Ah, yes, we have humor as well. Here is an old joke that's gone around for years on how to properly brag about doing an Ironman, this is Part 1:
Before I started to train an Ironman, I bought a training plan; I read
books on hydration and fuel replacement, I listened to endless hours of
advice from elite and pro triathletes. This information did help me
finish, but it did not teach me how to correctly brag about being an
Ironman.
My friends and I came up with a six phase program which will aid you in
bragging about your Ironman . Use this plan from the moment you
register until well after the race is complete for the most bang for
your bragging buck.
Sign Up Phase: For most Ironman events, you have to register up to one
year in advance. This gives you plenty of time to brag about doing an
Ironman. During this phase, you must let all of your non-Ironman
friends know you can't hang out with them anymore, because you just
signed up for an Ironman. If you don't have any Ironman friends, then
go to a place where runners or bikers hang out. Look for the Ironman
symbol (M Dot) on their training clothes. An Ironman would never be
caught running or biking without their Ironman stuff.
Training Phase: Training for an Ironman can be compared to having a
part time job. You must let everyone you meet know this. This can be
accomplished by sighing loudly at work, mumbling how tired you are
because you just biked 100 miles, because you are in training for an
Ironman. You can also skillfully steer the conversation with your
neighbors and co-workers to your Ironman training. Here is an example:
Neighbor: "Did you hear what President Bush said this week?"
Lee: "Were you aware that President Bush is a biker? I just biked 100
miles today. I am training for an Ironman."
Co worker: Lee, are you working late tonight?
Lee: No, I have to get up early to do a 20 mile run.
I even once rang my neighbor's door and when he answered, I said
"Sorry Bob, can't talk to you now, I am training for an Ironman."
One Week before the Race Phase: You need to let your neighbors and
co-workers know you will be gone for a little while, competing in an
Ironman. Once again, you can steer the conversation to your Ironman
race.
Neighbor: "Wow Lee your lawn looks great!"
Lee: "My lawn is going to look bad this next week; I will be competing
in an Ironman."
Part 2 about how to brag:
Race Expo Phase: You must buy as much Ironman merchandise as possible.
For years we saved our money to send both of my boys to private
college, but sacrifices must be made. Both Derick and Ty will be going
to junior college now. You must buy enough Ironman clothes to cover
every day at work and training. You must also buy plenty of shirts for
your spouse and children. They will also spread the word that you just
finished an Ironman.
The Race Phase: At http://www.ironmanlive.com you can setup automatic
emails and cell phone message notifications of your Ironman timing
splits. You can use all of the entries in your email and cell phone
address book. Include everyone regardless of whether they remember you
are or not. It just does not matter, because you are an Ironman.
Post Race Phase: The finisher medal can be worn for one day per the
number of miles raced and everyone knows that an Ironman is 140.6
miles. So wear that medal for 141 days (always round up as opposed to
rounding down your finishing time). Your children must be trained to
say, "My daddy is an Ironman. He gave me this shirt. He's an
Ironman." This must be emphasized over and over with your children. I
did not do this after I ran the Boston marathon, and Derick, my oldest
boy, told everyone at his day care that his grandma ran the marathon.
Your spouse must memorize all of your splits (swim, bike and run). You
must also include both transition splits as well. Instead of wearing a
shirt which states, "I am with Dummy", your spouse will wear a
shirt which says, "I am with a stud Ironman". All conversations
must be steered to your Ironman race.
Co-Worker: "Did you hear about the new work policy?"
Lee: "Nope, I did not; I was racing in an Ironman."
For at least one month you can say, "Well, I 'm only going to run
easy today, I just did an Ironman."
When someone brings up a subject of hardships suffered, you need to
remind them that you also have suffered through hardships while
training and racing in your Ironman.
You can also use these ideas to brag about other races, but please only
brag about races which are longer than 13.1 miles.
Post a Comment