Dear Morbidly Obese Used to Be Naked Shaving Man...

...the gym thanks you 

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but the sight of you shaving naked was about the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. That is, if you don't count that part of "Faces of Death" where the Malaysians eat the brains out of live monkeys. That would be ranked number one. Followed by you Mr. Morbidly Obese Naked Shaving Man. Third place is held by Dane Cook - EVERYTHING by Dane Cook.

What the hell, why don't I just give you my "Top 5 Disgusting Things I Have Ever Seen".

1. Morbidly Obese Naked Shaving Man
2. Malaysians eating the brains of live monkeys in "Faces of Death"
3. Dane Cook
4. Two Girls and a Cup. (Although I have never actually seen the video, I have heard it is the grossest thing in the world. Even with my overactive imagination, I can't picture it being more disgusting than Dane Cook.)
5. KISS - with Vinnie Vincent on Guitar. (What the hell was that Egyptian thing all about?)

Anyway, getting back to the subject at hand, I was very happy when you decided to wear your underpants while shaving. Thank you.

To your credit, I admire your conviction to be at the gym every day and do something about your weight. Most people your size give up, lay in bed and fry chickens on their chest with a plug in frying pan - waiting for the rescue department to come by, blow out a wall and forklift them out of their room and transport them to Brookhaven. Where they will cry, complain and still not lose weight because their enabler keeps sneaking in McDonald's Angus Snack Wraps. (You gotta admit, those are pretty damn good). But you are working out, and for that you are to be commended.

With one exception. I too go to the Starbuck's right after my workout. However, unlike yourself, I don't crush two Cranberry Scones at 400+ calories each. SPOILER ALERT - you won't lose weight when you crush the pastries after the workout. Try a little protein instead. Try hammering down a leftover pork roast or something. Anything is better than a pastry made from about 10% flour and 90% butter. Now, I realize I am no Val Kilmer in the volleyball scene of Top Gun. As a matter of fact, I feel more like John Candy in Summer Rental (Hawks jersey and all), but at least I have enough sense to go for the apple bran muffin.

Anyway, keep up the good work. I can tell you've dropped some pounds - not enough to see your naughty bits yet, but looking good nonetheless. Oh, and didn't the process of losing sight of your naughty bits send up a red flag. Like, "I can barely see my naughty bits, I better put this pecan pie away." I can't imagine completely losing sight of them before I did anything about it.

But I digress.

One last favor - even if you do drop the 300 lbs. you hope to, please don't naked shave ever again. No one looks good naked shaving - not even Mr. Ambiguously Gay Naked Shaving Man, and he's in great shape. He also carries a fine assortment of toiletries and sundries with him – and that’s a good thing.

  

peace

-kb

Let the Mudslinging Begin

The fight card has been finalized. Walker vs. Barrett for Governor. Feingold vs. Johnson for Senator. Both bouts on the card are anticipated to be heavyweight battles. That remains to be seen, however, I can guarantee both fights will be marked by cheap shots and low blows. We saw it in the preliminaries heading up to the primary on Tuesday. It’s only going to get worse.

I don’t know who is creating the ads. I don’t know who is approving the ads. Frankly, I don’t care. I am sick and tired of the whining, the finger pointing, the “he did this” and the “well you did that” back and forth crap. The attack ads have to stop. Why? Because attack ads are doing a disservice to the people you are so nobly hoping to serve. You have just spent hundreds of thousands of dollars telling my why to vote AGAINST your opponent, not why I should vote FOR you.

Let me ask you, do you think a product would take this approach? Would they spend their limited marketing dollars talking about why the competition is bad? I can tell you this, if they did, they wouldn't have many customers that liked them. Let me give you an example. What if a Coors Light said, “A lot of people think Bud Light is a good beer. But do you really want a beer that can give you a headache and make you vomit a day after drinking it? Neither do we. So buy a Coors Light.” Yeah, this would work just fine. 

Now, it's time to rip on the candidates. 

Let’s start with Scott Walker. The brown bag gimmick is just that – a gimmick. Someone sat in a room and said, “Hey, we've got to come up with a 'big idea' we can 'hit our of the park'. You know, 'think out of the box'. We need an equivalent of the 'Tea Party Movement'. Wait, I’ve got it, the Brown Bag Movement!" Unfortunately, the Tea Party Movement was organic and named by a third party. You just gave yourself your own nickname there T-Bone. 

However, I will say this much, this ad doesn’t talk about how the other guy sucks, which is good. But then you go to the dark side.

STTRREETTCCH. Yes, Nancy Pelosi is indeed the icon of evil for your Republican party. So what. Here's a thought - Neumann is a German name. Why didn’t you just tie him to Hitler? Come on Scott, you’re better than that.

Mayor Barrett - exploiting the physical attack on you from last year? Really? 

I realize calling out the relevance of this ad is a slippery slope. What happened to you was terrible. I felt horrible when I heard the news of the attack. But to use it as a campaign ad? Mayor, please. 

But what does this have to do with being qualified to be Governor? It says nothing about your economic policy, or your plan to lower unemployment. I don’t necessarily need a Governor who isn’t afraid to step into a bar fight. Personally, I see it as a sympathetic play. If it weren't, you wouldn’t have put the photo of you in a neck brace in the spot. Come on Tom, you’re better than that.

Senator Feingold, you spin more than a college freshman’s bed after his first kegger. Well, you don't per se, you've convinced (hired) other people to do it for you. Question. Did they get scale? 

I love the wording, “Ron Johnson would cut off unemployment benefits for the unemployed.” There's nothing quite like assuming someone might do something and then skewering him on it is there? You don’t know that for sure. You’ve voted for tax increases and increased spending in the past so can I make an assumption and say “Russ Feingold would keep borrowing money from the Chinese until we have to give them every state from Wyoming to the Pacific Ocean.”  Come on Russ, you’re better than that.

Ron Johnson – I didn’t know you were clairvoyant? You know exactly what Russ Feingold is going to do in his next ad?

Boo Hoo. Russell is going to call you names. Sack up Ron, you’re better than that.

Candidates - didn't your parents ever tell you, “If you need to put someone else down to make yourself look bigger, you are the one who is the smaller person”? If they didn’t tell you, then I’m telling you.

Here’s my world in a nutshell. The economy sucks. I’m working 3 jobs and still paid over $3000 in taxes ABOVE my withholding last year. I don’t have time for your bellyaching. I want a ride back home to my shining city on a hill, and I don’t want to spend the entire car ride listening to you bitch about each other. I want to ride on the high road. 

That being said, THIS is how you do a campaign ad. THIS is what affects people. Not negative talk. You show me this and you’ll get my vote even if you belong to the flippin Longaberger Party. Watch and learn gentlemen. Watch and learn.

Finally, a message to all – VOTE! Even if you’re not getting free smokes.