How to write an Onion story using lyrics from classic rock songs

I am a huge fan on the Onion, basically because I am a huge fan of satire, and have been since high school when I read "The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs” in National Lampoon. Unfortunately, political correctness has ruined the art of satire. Satire without malice is hilarious—no matter what the topic. People have got to lighten up. Sometime funny is just funny, period. But, if you don’t think it’s funny,  I will just ignore your whining anyway.

Back to The Onion. As I said, I am a big fan. But recently I noticed something about some of the articles there is a formula that can be applied to craft a story. I call it the Classic Rock Song formula.

The idea is simple. Take the lyrics and subject matter from a classic rock song, put some verbs, adverbs, adjectives and nouns around them and—voila! you have an Onion story. Here are a couple quick stories to get you started, and then do a few of your own.

Unemployed Man Willing to Take Long Nights—Impossible Odds.

BELOIT, WI—Local accountant Robert Soure, became a victim of the economy when he was let go from his job at Express Mechanics after 21 years of service. Recently he was overheard telling friends that “all he wanted was a job and security”, to give him a chance to survive this economic recession.

After spending most of his life in the “white collar” field of accounting, Soure said he would even be willing to work the long nights and take on the impossible odds of success in a blue collar position, noting he was tired of his wife and family laughing in his face about his career misfortune. 

He went on to say, he would welcome “eye on the keyhole”, indicating an interest in the field of overnight building security. Even through his disappointment he eluded a sense of optimism indicating his belief that happiness was only a heartbeat away. Soure then closed his eyes as if to pretend he was already there.

Area Couple Sells Home, Moves to Mountain Cabin After Riding Out Winter Storm

BOULDER, CO—Jim and Nancy Barker, immediately put their Denver city home up for sale upon returning home from being stranded in their Boulder cabin for the duration of last week’s 3-day blizzard.

“We were just kind of sitting around waiting for the storm to die out when it hit us—Nancy and I were much happier being stranded in our cabin that we were in the fast life of Denver”, said Jim. “Right” added Nancy. “We were just about out of wine and started talking about what we missed about the city and we couldn’t come up with a single thing. It was almost as if our true home was just being alone with each other”.

“It was blowing pretty hard outside”, added Jim, “and to be honest with you, it was kind of frightening, but as hard as it would be to handle the elements and challenges of living in the wild, but we both agreed the rewards would be worth the effort.”

 The Barkers 3BR, 3BA ranch home is listed at $258,900. It can be seen by appointment by calling with Chet Parkins of Borderwest Realty.

  

Man Ignores Best Friends Warning. Falls In Love With Prostitute

PARAMUS, NJ—Dan Castonado, ignored his friend’s advice and proposed to local hooker Tiffany Thomas at the Yankees game on Monday, only to be turned down in front of a sellout crowd of 47,000 fans.

 “I didn’t want to believe him when he told me my girlfriend Tiffany was a prostitute. She didn’t seem like one to me. I mean, prostitutes usually spend a lot of time alone walking around looking for guys. We would walk right down the street together and she wouldn’t say a thing about it.”

Tiffany, whose street nickname is "Strutter", said she thought Dan understood she was a prostitute and was ok with it. “I thought he would get the hint when I would walk by him while I was working. You would have thought the 6 inch platforms, tight dress and no underwear would have been enough of an indication, but I guess not”.

Dan did express his disappointment at the ending of the relationship noting, “I admit I cried, but she was the hottest girl I ever dated. Everyone would tell me how good she looked. I was on a pretty big high most of the time”.

See? It’s just that easy. Now it’s up to you. Pick a song and give it a whirl. 

It's the Little Things that Count

It’s the little things that count. How many times have we heard that? A least a buh-jillion? Yet, too often we don’t even know what the little things are. So just for grins I decided to make a list of some of the little things I really love in life, but never really think about, until I have to think about them. Like now. 

• The two days after Patrick and I get a video game we can both play. Because those are the only two days I can compete with him. After that, he’s got the game mastered and I get smoked every time I pick up the controller 

• The windows open on a summer night and the sound of kids playing capture the flag long after dark 

• Cole slaw instead of sauerkraut on a Rueben

• Having another passenger in the car so I can use the diamond lane when the on-ramp is backed up 

• A flushed 3-iron 

• Seeing an open parking spot on the other side of the street and having no on-coming traffic so you can kick a u-turn and get the spot before the guy who circled the block gets back to it.

• Two days after a workout, when your muscles are really, really sore. Then you deeply massage them and it hurts even more. But it’s the few seconds of relief right after you stop that are the best in the world. 

• The strawberry-banana smoothie at SmoothieLicious 

• The sound of my snow plow guy’s truck backing in my driveway up at 4am

• Understanding exactly why a manager made the double switch 

• Reserving judgment when those around you aren’t.

• Having a student leave class and then tell you they went back to their dorm and started working right away because they felt inspired 

• Getting to the Rolaids not a moment too soon 

• Free coffee (sub) day when you’ve finally filled up your punch card 

• Winning one dollar on Powerball 

• Man vs. Food

• The Red Sox beating the Yankees 

• The Brewers beating the Red Sox 

• Blind to the truth Brett Favre worshippers 

• Acedia 

• Seeing a recent picture of yourself where you don’t look half-bad 

• The first time you put on new socks 

• Spotting the perfect mullet 

• Having a legitimate excuse to leave somewhere you really don’t want to be in the first place 

• Ernest Hemmingway. Women, booze, bullfighting. Enough said. 

• Balancing your checkbook the very first time you try 

• On Golden Pond

  

That is just the start of my list. Do yourself a favor. Start writing down your own list. You might find that life doesn’t suck as much as you think it does. But, then again, it does kind of suck from time to time. 

Dear Boys of Summer: Welcome Back

Dear Boys of Summer: 

Welcome Back. We've missed you.

I love baseball. Not the psychotic “Bob Costas, George Will, worship at the altar of Abner Doubleday” type of love. But more like the “there’s nothing better than a hot summer night, an ice cold beer and a perfectly executed squeeze play”, type of love. So with Opening Day right around the corner, I’d like to share my 10 favorite things about game of baseball. Some are obvious. Some, perhaps a bit obscure. It’s the collective of all these little things that have made me a fan for life.

This list isn’t Milwaukee Brewer/Miller Park list per se. Sure we have the Racing Sausages, tailgating and cranky parking lot attendants, but these are more universal. Hopefully this list will bring to mind some of the overlooked experiences and memories you may have surrounding America’s greatest game

1.    81 Days of Pageantry

From April through October, you have the chance to go to 81 of the best parties this city has to offer. College Football may have its marching bands and student sections, but that’s only once a week. With baseball, you can go on a 10-day run during a homestand. You can’t do that with any other sport. Thank god they throw a road trip in to allow you to re-load.

2.    There’s Always Tomorrow

That is, until mid-September if your team is in the hunt. A disappointing loss on May 15 can always be followed by a final inning, walk-off victory.

3.    Bad Managerial Decisions

“Why did he leave him in so long?”

“You gotta pinch hit for him against a lefty”

“I can’t believe they didn’t intentionally walk Pujols.”

Each and every game we have something to second-guess. It sucks us in and makes us feel like a part of the game.

4.    Urban Ballparks

Wrigley, Fenway, Old Yankee Stadium. If you’ve never had the opportunity to see a game at a ballpark that sits in the middle of a neighborhood, put it on your bucket list. There’s something about walking around a city block on game day, looking up at the big brick walls that takes you back to the days when men wore suits and women wore their fancy hats to the game. It’s a feeling you don’t get when you stroll 400 yards across a sea of asphalt and painted yellow lines. 

5.    Vin Scully

My apologies to the great Bob Uecker, but there is no one better than Vin Scully when it comes to calling a game on the radio. He starts the inning by calling out the batter and then proceeds to commentate until the last out, weaving stories of players’ past accomplishments, their minor league career, a pitcher’s tendencies or an anecdote of someone’s childhood. All while never stopping to take a breath. You will never tune in a Dodger game and hear dead silence. He is the quintessential play-by-play announcer and color man rolled into one.

6.    Peanuts

I never eat salted in the shell peanuts. But at a ballgame, they are mandatory. A game isn’t a game until I’ve created a mound of shell and peels at my feet. Adding to the experience is the rogue peanut skin that somehow finds its way into the foam of your beer. Delish.

7.    The Retaliation Plunking

I’m a hockey guy. To that end, I completely understand why there are fights in hockey, which is why I am a big fan of the retaliation plunking in baseball. It allows the players to self-police the game, something that doesn’t happen in many other games. For example, how many pro football games have you seen where a player makes a tackle (holding the runner to an 8-yard gain), and then proceeds to thump his chest incessantly? That doesn’t happen in baseball. Why? Because the player who pulls a stunt like that is going to get a pitch in the ribs the next time he comes to the plate. And that my friends, is the way the game is supposed to be played.

8.    Dads Teaching Their Kids How to Keep Score

Just about every person who says, “I loved going to games as a kid”, generally follows that up with, “My dad taught me how to keep score.” What they should have said was, “My dad started teaching me how to keep score”. As the father of a son, I tried to teach my son how to keep a scorebook. That lasted about 3 innings. Right until the time the cotton candy/licorice vendor walked down the aisle.

9.    Batting Practice

The stadium is practically empty, with the exception of kids and programs hawking the rail looking for autographs. The echo of the bat crack sounds like a thunderclap on a quiet summer evening. The smell of the concession stands is just starting to fill the park. Yep.

10.     West Coast Road Games on the Radio

The upstairs windows are open with a light breeze coming through. Outside the neighbor kids are engaged in a tense game of capture the flag, and at approximately 9:15pm Ueck’s voice comes over the crappy clock radio on your nightstand with “Brewer baseball is on the air”. The first pitch comes at about 9:23 and by 10:42 you’re deep in REM sleep. The next morning it’s a race to the paper to find out how the game ended. A great start to a great day after a great night’s sleep.

And so the journey begins. Six months, 162 games, with the hopes that come October, you’ll be passing on those ND football tickets because you don’t want to miss Game 6. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

See you at the yard.