Wanna see my scar?

I bet you can't look away. Yeah, that's my ass. Its nasty. But the pain meds rock.

Untitled

Brett and the Boy

It Was Time

They say you will know when it's time.

We had to put Scilla down Monday. She was 18 ½ years old to the day—almost completely deaf, practically blind, and couldn’t get up and down the stairs anymore. But, she still ate like a horse, got excited when you came home, followed you everywhere and loved to sleep on your lap, just like she did as a puppy. We carried her up and down the stairs, outside to go to the bathroom and cleaned up accidents without even batting any eye. Because that’s what you do for a family member.

Over the last few months, her health was deteriorating more rapidly and we knew, “that day” was coming. On Monday, she began having seizures. Nothing extreme or overly dramatic, but nonetheless cause for concern. After a while, she seemed to be doing a bit better, but when she whimpered as she laid down, we knew. We hadn’t heard as much as a yip out of her in almost a year (Deafness will do that to you).

Scilla was my wedding gift to Sue. I remember the day we bought her from the pet store. There was a big open pen in the middle of the store with about five or six puppies. Right next to it was a big sign that read, “Do NOT handle the puppies.” Sue walked up, looked in the pen and walked away. Scilla followed her around the inside of that pen everywhere she went. Sue walked back over to her at which point the store owner said, “Go ahead, pick her up.” Sold. 

She was two years old when Patrick was born. People said to us, “You’re going to have problems with her. She’s used to being the queen of the house.” But, when Patrick went back into the hospital because he was jaundice, she laid by his bassinet for two days. In return, he taught her how to eat table scraps by pushing his food over his high chair tray, where she learned to sit below him and wait like a harbor seal at Fisherman’s Wharf.

She chased bubbles in the summertime to the point where one day we had to carry her up the stairs because her muscles were so sore. She jumped at the snow shovel in the winter, becoming covered in snow balls to the point where we had to put her in the bathtub to dry out. She ruined three couches because she had to lay on the very top of the cushions. She jumped out of a moving car, got bitten by a German Shepard and ate over a pound and a half of chocolate in one sitting.

  

Over the years we watched her grow from “Baby Scilla” to “Mama Scilla” and finally to “Gramma Scilla." Each year, our Christmas Card picture was of Patrick in his hockey jersey holding her by the tree. This year, there won’t be a card.

But, it was time.

I was at work, stuck in two meetings, so Sue took her to the vet. Scilla used to shake like crazy when we got anywhere near the place, but this time she was peaceful and calm. Sue walked into the room and Scilla laid down on the table. She didn’t give Sue the “Why are you doing this to me?” look, she just quietly slipped away.

I know some people think we're crazy because it hurts so much. Honestly, we couldn’t care less. Little dogs aren’t supposed to live that long, but we believe she lived as long as she did because she knew how much we loved her, and we knew how much she loved us. She didn’t want to lose us as much as we didn’t want to lose her.

But it was her time.

It's pretty quiet around our house now. We don’t hear the jingle of the tags on her collar. We have no reason to put our dinner plates on the floor after we’ve finished eating. We don’t see her standing on the top of the stairs, looking to see if it was really us coming home. It sucks.

If this was a letter written on paper, it would be drenched in tears. But that’s what happens when you lose someone who gave you over 18 years of truly unconditional love. But keeping her alive any longer would have just been selfish on our part. 

We know she’s probably somewhere chasing bubbles with Molly, or yipping at Grover. She’s happy again, and one day we will be too. 

Good-bye Scilla. We will love you always.

Climbing the Polls

See and download the full gallery on posterous

MUHS Hockey jumps to #5 in the state. Keep it up boys.

How good are these seats?

My Packer seats every Sunday. I'm s season ticket holder. No PSL. No waiting list. Comes with optional nap. Jealous? You should be.

How good are these seats?

My Packer seats every Sunday. I'm s season ticket holder. No PSL. No waiting list. Comes with optional nap. Jealous? You should be.

Thank You for Your Support - 2012 Here I Come.

The mid-term elections are over and sadly, I was not elected to any public office. But, I'm OK with that because I put our politicians on alert. A mighty wind of change is coming. Hopefully, it's not down wind from the landfill.

I hereby formally announce my write-in candidacy for Senate in 2012. Yes, Senator Kohl, I'm coming after you. It's time you turn your attention to returning the Bucks to the halcyon days of the 1970's and 80's and relinquish your Senate seat to someone who won't blindly vote the party line or respond to constituents with badly written form letters.

Here are my promises.

I will not formally file candidacy papers. With three jobs, I don't have time to chase down signatures.

(And yes, I am thankful I have three jobs, and I will work my a$$ off to build an economy where I only need two jobs, thus freeing up my third job to be taken by someone who has no job). 

I am running as a straight up write-in candidate. And I don't have a tough to spell last name like that woman in Alaska. Although, some people do forget there is a "d" before the "t" in my last name.


I will not formally fundraise. How can I possibly charge someone $250 dollars a plate for a piece of dried out chicken, room temperature green beans almondine, and a dollop of crusty mashed potatoes, and  some sort of nasty flourless chocolate cake thing for dessert. Not to mention adding insult to injury by having a cash bar. Free Beer and Wine at least - just like a Wisconsin wedding.

I am pro-choice. Pro choice doesn't necessarily mean pro-abortion. It means I am for choices. I won't tell you what choice I would make, but everyone should be entitled to make a choice. The train has left the station folks. You can't overturn Roe v. Wade. It's too late, that's a fact - not a position. Additionally, pro-life people who cement themselves in a car are nuts. Period.

For the record, gay marriage is not the same as marrying a table. Theoretically, I was probably married to a tube sock for most of my teenage years and I'm not gay. As I have said many times before, I have no problem with a gay couple moving into my neighborhood. They keep their house up, do beautiful landscaping and generally have a fine assortment of baked goods on hand at all times. They also make great martini's and have impeccable taste in sweaters. Everybody wins.

I will treat the economy like the way I approach my personal finances. It's simple. If you run up your credit card, you don't pay it off with another credit card. You cut the credit card, tighten the belt and give up unnecessary indulgences until you pay the thing off. (Except for the Friday Fish Fry. Some things are non-negotiable). 


I will debate anyone at anytime. Provided the questions aren't given out before the debate. I did forensics in high school - 4 minutes extemporaneous speaking. I have no interest in debating someone who is more concerned with memorizing their lines than they are with sharing their personal vision. If you don't know where you stand on an issue when it's thrown at you, you aren't qualified to hold public office. Period.

No Teleprompters. Ever.

I will do what I can to take care of the poor, handicapped and elderly. They need our help. It's the right thing to do. It's the human thing to do. The lazy on the other hand, you're on your own.

If I have a stance on an issue that is unpopular, I promise to sack up and be a man, not a coward. Yes, Governor Doyle, I am calling you a coward. And should I ever meet you, I will call you a coward to your face. However, I am betting by that time you will be working at your presidentially appointed job you were promised when you agreed to jam the train deal up our asses under the cover of darkness. You want to talk self-serving dick moves - that was one of the biggest I have ever seen.

That last comment is the only personal attack I will ever make on a politician. I promise. But what Doyle did was a total dick move of epic proportions.

I will not hire an ad guy or a consultant. I will run my entire campaign with a Flip cam, Facebook, YouTube, Flickr and maybe Twitter. But I think Twitter is stupid, so maybe not Twitter. Hey, if a million people can get Betty White on SNL, I should be able to garner 2% of the vote.

So, here is my concession speech. I thank you all and look forward to having your continued support as I race for the Senate in 2012.

Brandt for Senate in 2012

Why? Why not?  

Here's Your Last Shot at Sanity

It’s down to the end of the line folks. Less than 8 hours to vote for your favorite unqualified douche canoe to serve themselves for the next (insert term length here). Lord knows our selection of nut bags is the widest it’s ever been. At least in my lifetime. You’ve got Harry Reid and Christine O’Donnell on the national stage for starters. Right here in Wisconsin we’ve got Rebecca “Gay Marriage is like marrying a table” Kleefisch and Tom “I’m qualified to be governor because I can take a punch” Barrett”, right here in our own state.

I know it’s too late to do anything. But if you haven’t voted yet, I am asking for you to write me in – for any position. I don’t care. But I’ve got to be better than what’s out there.

But, before you vote – educate yourself. Take a look at my entire television campaign. I didn’t spend millions of dollars. I shot it all at home and in my car with a $168 Flip Cam. That makes me fiscally conservative. And I don’t think gay marriage is the same as having sex with a table, so that makes me socially liberal.

Take a quick look. If you like what you see, write me in – for anything. Because a vote for me, is…well…a vote for me.

“I’m Running for Anything”

“I Don’t Have Genital Warts”

“Take a Civics Class”

“Don’t Play God With My Family”

“The Tea Party Movement”

“I Love the Great State of Wisconsin”

We are so f*cked. 

What is it with artists and naked people?

I walk to class every Monday and Wednesday through Mitchell Hall, home to many of the fine arts programs at UWM. The one thing I have noticed, aside from the din of african drumming emanating from the dance studios, is the preponderance of nude art lining the walls.

I realize the nude body is supposed to be a beautiful life form, but seriously, there are A LOT of nude pictures. I don't even know if you are supposed to call them pictures or if that is bourgeois. Point is, naked is apparently all the rage on the second floor.

And...it's not even good naked. It's often times disturbing naked.  I don't want to see that kind  of naked. Don't get me wrong, I like naked as much as the next person, after all, it's human nature. But I like the "happy, fun, and frolicking" naked - not the "gloomy, self-loathing, my life is horrendous so I am going to lay here in the fetal position" naked. So, to the budding UWM artists, please shy away from sad naked, because we could all use a little happy naked in our lives from time to time.

Thank you.

Note to Self: Don't Eat Tuna and Clam Chowder for Lunch if You Have an Afternoon Business Meeting

The title is self explanatory.

I went to Eagan's for lunch. Not sit down, just through the deli part. They have great clam chowder (every day, which kicks ass), and you can pair it with a small pasta salad for $5.25. Good deal. So I pair it up with  the tuna pasta salad. Tasty.

About halfway through the meal it dawned on me...I have a business meeting this afternoon. What I don't have is gum.

So here I stand. Committed to a delicious meal. Committed to a client meeting. And a mouth that smells like Puget Sound with no sign of any breath cleansing products in the near vacinity. I do have some fruit flavored Rolaids, but that isn't going to cut it. It'll only make me smell like a Yellowfin Marmalade sandwich.

My plan - remain silent in the meeting and repeatedly drop my ass, shooting my co-worker looks of disgust each time the cloud rises.

It's the only out pitch I've got.

Dear Morbidly Obese Used to Be Naked Shaving Man...

...the gym thanks you 

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but the sight of you shaving naked was about the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. That is, if you don't count that part of "Faces of Death" where the Malaysians eat the brains out of live monkeys. That would be ranked number one. Followed by you Mr. Morbidly Obese Naked Shaving Man. Third place is held by Dane Cook - EVERYTHING by Dane Cook.

What the hell, why don't I just give you my "Top 5 Disgusting Things I Have Ever Seen".

1. Morbidly Obese Naked Shaving Man
2. Malaysians eating the brains of live monkeys in "Faces of Death"
3. Dane Cook
4. Two Girls and a Cup. (Although I have never actually seen the video, I have heard it is the grossest thing in the world. Even with my overactive imagination, I can't picture it being more disgusting than Dane Cook.)
5. KISS - with Vinnie Vincent on Guitar. (What the hell was that Egyptian thing all about?)

Anyway, getting back to the subject at hand, I was very happy when you decided to wear your underpants while shaving. Thank you.

To your credit, I admire your conviction to be at the gym every day and do something about your weight. Most people your size give up, lay in bed and fry chickens on their chest with a plug in frying pan - waiting for the rescue department to come by, blow out a wall and forklift them out of their room and transport them to Brookhaven. Where they will cry, complain and still not lose weight because their enabler keeps sneaking in McDonald's Angus Snack Wraps. (You gotta admit, those are pretty damn good). But you are working out, and for that you are to be commended.

With one exception. I too go to the Starbuck's right after my workout. However, unlike yourself, I don't crush two Cranberry Scones at 400+ calories each. SPOILER ALERT - you won't lose weight when you crush the pastries after the workout. Try a little protein instead. Try hammering down a leftover pork roast or something. Anything is better than a pastry made from about 10% flour and 90% butter. Now, I realize I am no Val Kilmer in the volleyball scene of Top Gun. As a matter of fact, I feel more like John Candy in Summer Rental (Hawks jersey and all), but at least I have enough sense to go for the apple bran muffin.

Anyway, keep up the good work. I can tell you've dropped some pounds - not enough to see your naughty bits yet, but looking good nonetheless. Oh, and didn't the process of losing sight of your naughty bits send up a red flag. Like, "I can barely see my naughty bits, I better put this pecan pie away." I can't imagine completely losing sight of them before I did anything about it.

But I digress.

One last favor - even if you do drop the 300 lbs. you hope to, please don't naked shave ever again. No one looks good naked shaving - not even Mr. Ambiguously Gay Naked Shaving Man, and he's in great shape. He also carries a fine assortment of toiletries and sundries with him – and that’s a good thing.

  

peace

-kb

Let the Mudslinging Begin

The fight card has been finalized. Walker vs. Barrett for Governor. Feingold vs. Johnson for Senator. Both bouts on the card are anticipated to be heavyweight battles. That remains to be seen, however, I can guarantee both fights will be marked by cheap shots and low blows. We saw it in the preliminaries heading up to the primary on Tuesday. It’s only going to get worse.

I don’t know who is creating the ads. I don’t know who is approving the ads. Frankly, I don’t care. I am sick and tired of the whining, the finger pointing, the “he did this” and the “well you did that” back and forth crap. The attack ads have to stop. Why? Because attack ads are doing a disservice to the people you are so nobly hoping to serve. You have just spent hundreds of thousands of dollars telling my why to vote AGAINST your opponent, not why I should vote FOR you.

Let me ask you, do you think a product would take this approach? Would they spend their limited marketing dollars talking about why the competition is bad? I can tell you this, if they did, they wouldn't have many customers that liked them. Let me give you an example. What if a Coors Light said, “A lot of people think Bud Light is a good beer. But do you really want a beer that can give you a headache and make you vomit a day after drinking it? Neither do we. So buy a Coors Light.” Yeah, this would work just fine. 

Now, it's time to rip on the candidates. 

Let’s start with Scott Walker. The brown bag gimmick is just that – a gimmick. Someone sat in a room and said, “Hey, we've got to come up with a 'big idea' we can 'hit our of the park'. You know, 'think out of the box'. We need an equivalent of the 'Tea Party Movement'. Wait, I’ve got it, the Brown Bag Movement!" Unfortunately, the Tea Party Movement was organic and named by a third party. You just gave yourself your own nickname there T-Bone. 

However, I will say this much, this ad doesn’t talk about how the other guy sucks, which is good. But then you go to the dark side.

STTRREETTCCH. Yes, Nancy Pelosi is indeed the icon of evil for your Republican party. So what. Here's a thought - Neumann is a German name. Why didn’t you just tie him to Hitler? Come on Scott, you’re better than that.

Mayor Barrett - exploiting the physical attack on you from last year? Really? 

I realize calling out the relevance of this ad is a slippery slope. What happened to you was terrible. I felt horrible when I heard the news of the attack. But to use it as a campaign ad? Mayor, please. 

But what does this have to do with being qualified to be Governor? It says nothing about your economic policy, or your plan to lower unemployment. I don’t necessarily need a Governor who isn’t afraid to step into a bar fight. Personally, I see it as a sympathetic play. If it weren't, you wouldn’t have put the photo of you in a neck brace in the spot. Come on Tom, you’re better than that.

Senator Feingold, you spin more than a college freshman’s bed after his first kegger. Well, you don't per se, you've convinced (hired) other people to do it for you. Question. Did they get scale? 

I love the wording, “Ron Johnson would cut off unemployment benefits for the unemployed.” There's nothing quite like assuming someone might do something and then skewering him on it is there? You don’t know that for sure. You’ve voted for tax increases and increased spending in the past so can I make an assumption and say “Russ Feingold would keep borrowing money from the Chinese until we have to give them every state from Wyoming to the Pacific Ocean.”  Come on Russ, you’re better than that.

Ron Johnson – I didn’t know you were clairvoyant? You know exactly what Russ Feingold is going to do in his next ad?

Boo Hoo. Russell is going to call you names. Sack up Ron, you’re better than that.

Candidates - didn't your parents ever tell you, “If you need to put someone else down to make yourself look bigger, you are the one who is the smaller person”? If they didn’t tell you, then I’m telling you.

Here’s my world in a nutshell. The economy sucks. I’m working 3 jobs and still paid over $3000 in taxes ABOVE my withholding last year. I don’t have time for your bellyaching. I want a ride back home to my shining city on a hill, and I don’t want to spend the entire car ride listening to you bitch about each other. I want to ride on the high road. 

That being said, THIS is how you do a campaign ad. THIS is what affects people. Not negative talk. You show me this and you’ll get my vote even if you belong to the flippin Longaberger Party. Watch and learn gentlemen. Watch and learn.

Finally, a message to all – VOTE! Even if you’re not getting free smokes.

So, what if Brett Favre wanted to build a Mosque at Ground Zero?

Imagine the press coverage.

Obviously, Brett Farve would never build a Mosque at Ground Zero. He might build a tool shed, but never a Mosque. The point of my question is to draw attention how obnoxious the media coverage is surrounding either issue. There are some things that deserve to be covered, followed up on, and then let go. Let’s move on instead of using the issues to stimulate divisive and antagonistic behavior. Can’t we just get along?

No.

So here is where I stand. As far as the Mosque at Ground Zero is concerned, I have to echo the words of President Obama (only mine is not a back-pedal), when I say “I will not comment on the wisdom of the decision to put a mosque there.” End of discussion.

On the other hand, I will comment on the wisdom of Brett Favre's decision to return. Let me start by saying, I love to watch the dumb Minnesotan’s fall for the same dog and pony show we dumb Wisconsinites fell for between 2005-08. I know how that story ends, and I am not going to be the spoiler. Enjoy the ride, Ole and Lena, it’s going to be a fun one.

Finally, the Journal-Sentinel has gotten their heads screwed on straight and no longer runs a full-page photo of Brett Farve in a badly photoshopped Vikings jersey every time he pops a squat. Put it where it belongs, right next to the story about the New York Liberty winning the WNBA Championship. I don’t care anymore.

As a matter of fact, I care so little about #4, I am giving you a list of 5 Brett’s I would like to see return instead of Brett Farve.

#5)       Ken Brett – The baseball pitcher spent most of his career as a journeyman pitcher, playing for 10 different teams over the course of his 14 year career, including a brief stint with the Brewers in 1972. Why would I like to see him return? The Brewers need pitching, but sadly, he passed in 2003 from brain cancer.

#4)       George Brett – The better of the two ball playing Brett brothers, George is probably the second best pure hitter in baseball history behind Ted Williams and even toyed with batting .400 for the season back in 1980. To me he had one of the greatest lines in advertising history, when he said in a Gillette commercial in reference to his strategy on hitting – “For me it’s a feeling that says, ‘I’m going downtown.’”

#3)       Brett Hull – One of my all-time favorite recent era hockey players and the son of Bobby Hull. I never met Brett Hull, but I did meet Bobby Hull at a Hawks game. Patrick and I were lucky to be in a suite for a game and two suites over was “The Golden Jet” himself. I was blown away. So I grabbed Patrick, a game program and a sharpie and headed down the hall. I was excited. Patrick was indifferent. He asked, “Who are we meeting?”, to which I replied “Bobby Hull.” Patrick quickly responded with “Who is that?” Are you kidding me? How do you not know Bobby Hull? Oh…I forgot your 10 years old. So, I said the only thing I could to make him understand – “He’s Brett Hull’s dad”.

#2)       Brett Butler – The cocktail waitress turned stand-up comic was considered to be one of the hottest TV stars of the 90’s. Her sitcom “Grace Under Fire” was one of the top rated shows for more than 5 years. To me, she is one of the un-funniest people in the world and the sound of her voice is like grinding my teeth down with a wood file. Even so, she is more tolerable than Brett Farve.

#1)       Brett Somers Klugman – How can you not love the feisty, sassy, irascible and often times inebriated star of Match Game and Match Game PM? She anchored the middle seat of the top row, with Charles Nelson Reilly on her immediate left, and a cavalcade of rotating stars including; Gary Burghoff, Fred Grandy, McLean Stevenson, Nipsey Rusell, Bert Convey and Rip Taylor, stationed on her right. Let’s relive the magic together  shall we?

There you have it – 5 Brett’s I would rather see return than the gunslingin’ hillbilly from Kiln, Mississippi. Hey Vikings fans! Have fun in Faribault come January when interception #3 ends your season prematurely once again.

Incompetence Knows No Bias

Incompetence knows no bias. It is not black, white, male, female, gay, straight, republican or democrat. Incompetence is incompetence, period. And it is alive and well, in the Gulf of Mexico, the board room at BP and the White House. This situation is a textbook example of why the government and big corporations are absolutely useless when it comes to getting things done. They are masters of pontification, but are USELESS when comes to taking action.

BP, you are the experts. How can we go 50+ days and still not be able to determine the amount of oil that is spilling out of that well? You’re lying.

Mr. President, finding out whose “ass you’re going to kick” should be last item on your  “To Do” list. Take control.

I will put it in simple terms. Tell me how you would handle this problem.

You have three children at home and they decide they are going to play with their toy boats in the bathtub. So while you are outside doing yard work, they turn on the faucet and fill the tub. Unfortunately, in doing so they somehow turn the faucet handle too far and it gets stuck. But kids being kids, they keep playing as the water rises to the top of the tub. But as the water creeps closer, they panic, and try as they might, they cannot turn the faucet off, and the water keeps running. Now they are scared. They start trying to soak up the water with towels, to no avail. They try stuffing a towel up the faucet. It still keeps pouring out. It’s leaking through the floorboards. The ceiling of the room below is in serious danger. 

Then you walk in. The ceiling is dripping. You run upstairs. You see the disaster. What is your first reaction? Do you try and stop it, or do you let the water continue to run while you verbally berate each of the children to find out whose butt to spank?

The oil leak is not a bully pulpit to make a political statement regarding our dependence on oil. I realize it’s quite trendy to stand up and pound your chest and drop sound bites so you sound like you are environmentally conscious, but I’ve got news for you. You can ride your bike to work, or take busses all you want, but you are ignorant if you think that will make a difference. Even with imprecise calculations, it is estimated the amount of oil spilled would only power the country for about an hour.  Oil ain’t going anywhere anytime soon. Right now, we don’t need “environmental activists”; we need “active environmentalists”. There’s a big difference.

But let’s say we could turn off our use of oil like a light switch. We wake up tomorrow and boom – oil is no longer a part of our society. Let’s take a look at a regular day.

You wake up to a beautiful day. You can’t wait to go to work. So you hop in the shower. But you have no soap or shampoo. As a matter of fact, the shower is spraying and leaking everywhere because there are no faucet washers. But you muddle through. Your unshaven with smelly breath, but at least you can run a comb through your hair and look somewhat presentable. Sorry. No combs or brushes to make that gray hair (no hair coloring) of yours look pretty.

Uh-oh. The baby’s crying. He must need a diaper change. You feel good about using cloth diapers. You’re doing your part. So you unclip the diaper, and baby’s got a nasty case of diaper rash. Now what do you do? There’s no Vaseline or ointment.

At least you can have breakfast. But too bad you have to light a fire to cook the eggs laid by the chickens you raise in your backyard. That’s going to take some time and judging by the height of the sun in the sky, you’re already running late. Fortunately, you were able to get an accurate read on the sun without the sunglasses you used to have.

I could go on and on, but you get the point.

When the flood waters rise in North Dakota during the spring thaws, then entire city pulls together and lines the banks of the river with sand bags. They don’t sit around and wait for permits. They TAKE ACTION. That is what the true American spirit is all about. We do – we don’t blame. Or at least that is how it used to be.

If no one else is going to take control, I will. Here are my marching orders.

Bobby Jindahl, just stick the shovel in the ground and keep digging. Stop bitching about the feds not doing anything. Better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. Besides, what are they going to do? Prosecute you? Please.

Mr. President, make a decision instead of strolling down the hallway with Matt Lauer giving us your opinion on whether or not the Jim Joyce blown call should be reversed.

Tony Hayward, I don’t know what deal you cut with the devil, or who the devil is, but for all I know, it might be you. I want 10 viable solutions on my desk in the morning. Not affordable – VIABLE!

I am going back to my belief that what this country needs is an old-fashioned dad to knock some sense into us. Take the behavior of every associated party and imagine what your dad would do if they pulled that crap on him. I have a feeling that one of the phrases that might come out of his mouth is “what are you a freakin’ idiot”?

We’re turning from being a persevering nation that picks itself up from it’s boot straps when times are tough, towards a nation that blames someone for moving our boots and that’s why we can’t use the straps.

You all suck. 

One Night - a Rick-umentary

A two-part Rick-umentary chronicling Rick Springfield's May 2010 concerts at Potawatomi Bingo Casino.


Part One

Part Deaux

How to write an Onion story using lyrics from classic rock songs

I am a huge fan on the Onion, basically because I am a huge fan of satire, and have been since high school when I read "The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs” in National Lampoon. Unfortunately, political correctness has ruined the art of satire. Satire without malice is hilarious—no matter what the topic. People have got to lighten up. Sometime funny is just funny, period. But, if you don’t think it’s funny,  I will just ignore your whining anyway.

Back to The Onion. As I said, I am a big fan. But recently I noticed something about some of the articles there is a formula that can be applied to craft a story. I call it the Classic Rock Song formula.

The idea is simple. Take the lyrics and subject matter from a classic rock song, put some verbs, adverbs, adjectives and nouns around them and—voila! you have an Onion story. Here are a couple quick stories to get you started, and then do a few of your own.

Unemployed Man Willing to Take Long Nights—Impossible Odds.

BELOIT, WI—Local accountant Robert Soure, became a victim of the economy when he was let go from his job at Express Mechanics after 21 years of service. Recently he was overheard telling friends that “all he wanted was a job and security”, to give him a chance to survive this economic recession.

After spending most of his life in the “white collar” field of accounting, Soure said he would even be willing to work the long nights and take on the impossible odds of success in a blue collar position, noting he was tired of his wife and family laughing in his face about his career misfortune. 

He went on to say, he would welcome “eye on the keyhole”, indicating an interest in the field of overnight building security. Even through his disappointment he eluded a sense of optimism indicating his belief that happiness was only a heartbeat away. Soure then closed his eyes as if to pretend he was already there.

Area Couple Sells Home, Moves to Mountain Cabin After Riding Out Winter Storm

BOULDER, CO—Jim and Nancy Barker, immediately put their Denver city home up for sale upon returning home from being stranded in their Boulder cabin for the duration of last week’s 3-day blizzard.

“We were just kind of sitting around waiting for the storm to die out when it hit us—Nancy and I were much happier being stranded in our cabin that we were in the fast life of Denver”, said Jim. “Right” added Nancy. “We were just about out of wine and started talking about what we missed about the city and we couldn’t come up with a single thing. It was almost as if our true home was just being alone with each other”.

“It was blowing pretty hard outside”, added Jim, “and to be honest with you, it was kind of frightening, but as hard as it would be to handle the elements and challenges of living in the wild, but we both agreed the rewards would be worth the effort.”

 The Barkers 3BR, 3BA ranch home is listed at $258,900. It can be seen by appointment by calling with Chet Parkins of Borderwest Realty.

  

Man Ignores Best Friends Warning. Falls In Love With Prostitute

PARAMUS, NJ—Dan Castonado, ignored his friend’s advice and proposed to local hooker Tiffany Thomas at the Yankees game on Monday, only to be turned down in front of a sellout crowd of 47,000 fans.

 “I didn’t want to believe him when he told me my girlfriend Tiffany was a prostitute. She didn’t seem like one to me. I mean, prostitutes usually spend a lot of time alone walking around looking for guys. We would walk right down the street together and she wouldn’t say a thing about it.”

Tiffany, whose street nickname is "Strutter", said she thought Dan understood she was a prostitute and was ok with it. “I thought he would get the hint when I would walk by him while I was working. You would have thought the 6 inch platforms, tight dress and no underwear would have been enough of an indication, but I guess not”.

Dan did express his disappointment at the ending of the relationship noting, “I admit I cried, but she was the hottest girl I ever dated. Everyone would tell me how good she looked. I was on a pretty big high most of the time”.

See? It’s just that easy. Now it’s up to you. Pick a song and give it a whirl. 

It's the Little Things that Count

It’s the little things that count. How many times have we heard that? A least a buh-jillion? Yet, too often we don’t even know what the little things are. So just for grins I decided to make a list of some of the little things I really love in life, but never really think about, until I have to think about them. Like now. 

• The two days after Patrick and I get a video game we can both play. Because those are the only two days I can compete with him. After that, he’s got the game mastered and I get smoked every time I pick up the controller 

• The windows open on a summer night and the sound of kids playing capture the flag long after dark 

• Cole slaw instead of sauerkraut on a Rueben

• Having another passenger in the car so I can use the diamond lane when the on-ramp is backed up 

• A flushed 3-iron 

• Seeing an open parking spot on the other side of the street and having no on-coming traffic so you can kick a u-turn and get the spot before the guy who circled the block gets back to it.

• Two days after a workout, when your muscles are really, really sore. Then you deeply massage them and it hurts even more. But it’s the few seconds of relief right after you stop that are the best in the world. 

• The strawberry-banana smoothie at SmoothieLicious 

• The sound of my snow plow guy’s truck backing in my driveway up at 4am

• Understanding exactly why a manager made the double switch 

• Reserving judgment when those around you aren’t.

• Having a student leave class and then tell you they went back to their dorm and started working right away because they felt inspired 

• Getting to the Rolaids not a moment too soon 

• Free coffee (sub) day when you’ve finally filled up your punch card 

• Winning one dollar on Powerball 

• Man vs. Food

• The Red Sox beating the Yankees 

• The Brewers beating the Red Sox 

• Blind to the truth Brett Favre worshippers 

• Acedia 

• Seeing a recent picture of yourself where you don’t look half-bad 

• The first time you put on new socks 

• Spotting the perfect mullet 

• Having a legitimate excuse to leave somewhere you really don’t want to be in the first place 

• Ernest Hemmingway. Women, booze, bullfighting. Enough said. 

• Balancing your checkbook the very first time you try 

• On Golden Pond

  

That is just the start of my list. Do yourself a favor. Start writing down your own list. You might find that life doesn’t suck as much as you think it does. But, then again, it does kind of suck from time to time. 

Dear Boys of Summer: Welcome Back

Dear Boys of Summer: 

Welcome Back. We've missed you.

I love baseball. Not the psychotic “Bob Costas, George Will, worship at the altar of Abner Doubleday” type of love. But more like the “there’s nothing better than a hot summer night, an ice cold beer and a perfectly executed squeeze play”, type of love. So with Opening Day right around the corner, I’d like to share my 10 favorite things about game of baseball. Some are obvious. Some, perhaps a bit obscure. It’s the collective of all these little things that have made me a fan for life.

This list isn’t Milwaukee Brewer/Miller Park list per se. Sure we have the Racing Sausages, tailgating and cranky parking lot attendants, but these are more universal. Hopefully this list will bring to mind some of the overlooked experiences and memories you may have surrounding America’s greatest game

1.    81 Days of Pageantry

From April through October, you have the chance to go to 81 of the best parties this city has to offer. College Football may have its marching bands and student sections, but that’s only once a week. With baseball, you can go on a 10-day run during a homestand. You can’t do that with any other sport. Thank god they throw a road trip in to allow you to re-load.

2.    There’s Always Tomorrow

That is, until mid-September if your team is in the hunt. A disappointing loss on May 15 can always be followed by a final inning, walk-off victory.

3.    Bad Managerial Decisions

“Why did he leave him in so long?”

“You gotta pinch hit for him against a lefty”

“I can’t believe they didn’t intentionally walk Pujols.”

Each and every game we have something to second-guess. It sucks us in and makes us feel like a part of the game.

4.    Urban Ballparks

Wrigley, Fenway, Old Yankee Stadium. If you’ve never had the opportunity to see a game at a ballpark that sits in the middle of a neighborhood, put it on your bucket list. There’s something about walking around a city block on game day, looking up at the big brick walls that takes you back to the days when men wore suits and women wore their fancy hats to the game. It’s a feeling you don’t get when you stroll 400 yards across a sea of asphalt and painted yellow lines. 

5.    Vin Scully

My apologies to the great Bob Uecker, but there is no one better than Vin Scully when it comes to calling a game on the radio. He starts the inning by calling out the batter and then proceeds to commentate until the last out, weaving stories of players’ past accomplishments, their minor league career, a pitcher’s tendencies or an anecdote of someone’s childhood. All while never stopping to take a breath. You will never tune in a Dodger game and hear dead silence. He is the quintessential play-by-play announcer and color man rolled into one.

6.    Peanuts

I never eat salted in the shell peanuts. But at a ballgame, they are mandatory. A game isn’t a game until I’ve created a mound of shell and peels at my feet. Adding to the experience is the rogue peanut skin that somehow finds its way into the foam of your beer. Delish.

7.    The Retaliation Plunking

I’m a hockey guy. To that end, I completely understand why there are fights in hockey, which is why I am a big fan of the retaliation plunking in baseball. It allows the players to self-police the game, something that doesn’t happen in many other games. For example, how many pro football games have you seen where a player makes a tackle (holding the runner to an 8-yard gain), and then proceeds to thump his chest incessantly? That doesn’t happen in baseball. Why? Because the player who pulls a stunt like that is going to get a pitch in the ribs the next time he comes to the plate. And that my friends, is the way the game is supposed to be played.

8.    Dads Teaching Their Kids How to Keep Score

Just about every person who says, “I loved going to games as a kid”, generally follows that up with, “My dad taught me how to keep score.” What they should have said was, “My dad started teaching me how to keep score”. As the father of a son, I tried to teach my son how to keep a scorebook. That lasted about 3 innings. Right until the time the cotton candy/licorice vendor walked down the aisle.

9.    Batting Practice

The stadium is practically empty, with the exception of kids and programs hawking the rail looking for autographs. The echo of the bat crack sounds like a thunderclap on a quiet summer evening. The smell of the concession stands is just starting to fill the park. Yep.

10.     West Coast Road Games on the Radio

The upstairs windows are open with a light breeze coming through. Outside the neighbor kids are engaged in a tense game of capture the flag, and at approximately 9:15pm Ueck’s voice comes over the crappy clock radio on your nightstand with “Brewer baseball is on the air”. The first pitch comes at about 9:23 and by 10:42 you’re deep in REM sleep. The next morning it’s a race to the paper to find out how the game ended. A great start to a great day after a great night’s sleep.

And so the journey begins. Six months, 162 games, with the hopes that come October, you’ll be passing on those ND football tickets because you don’t want to miss Game 6. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

See you at the yard.

Adventures of the World's Greatest Procrastinator

I don't know exactly when I started procrastinating to the level I do know. I think it might have been right after my freshman year at St. Norbert College. I had done remarkably well, finishing with a GPA of 3.75. But, it took it's toll on me too. It seems that after experiencing all that pressure, I comple

Healthcare Reform Legislation is More Out of Control than Healthcare is

I have come to the conclusion Healthcare Reform Legislation is officially more out of control than the Healthcare itself. I am emphatically stating, in no uncertain terms, I am completely against the Healthcare Reform bills Congress is trying pass. I am also emphatically stating, I AM 1000% IN FAVOR OF HEALTHCARE REFORM. But if anyone can tell me what is in these bills, I would really appreciate it. I don’t think anyone in the friggin world understands it. Hence Nancy Pelosi’s comment –

“But we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy.”

You’re kidding me right? That’s like saying. “Hey buy this Toyota. We know there are a lot of concerns regarding its safety, and you are getting conflicting points of view as to whether they are true or not, but just buy it anyway. After you own it we can take a look, see what’s wrong and then try to fix it.”

How about this? Let’s figure out what’s in it first, and maybe the fog of controversy will be lifted.

Now, I fully realize I will be vilified for being opposed to this legislation, but before you strike back, do two things for me.

First, read my introductory paragraph again. I did not say I was against healthcare reform. I said I was against the healthcare reform BILLS. There is HUGE difference between the two.

Secondly, read the bills. You can find them here. I’ve tried. I jumped around to sections I felt were important. I can’t understand what the hell is in there. I’ve talked to Herb Kohl personally on several occasions, in non-political contexts. Based on the depth of our conversations, I am pretty sure he can’t understand it either. 

The House Bill is H.R. 3962.

http://docs.house.gov/rules/health/111_ahcaa.pdf

The Senate Bill is H.R. 3590

http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h3590/text

Maybe I’m too stupid to understand the solutions being presented, but so far, this is what we’ve heard from both sides of the aisle. “We need healthcare reform (pound fist on podium)” or “This is not the type of reform we need! (pound fist on podium).” Can someone please explain it to me simply using facts so I can understand? Is that too much to ask?

I realize that the purpose of healthcare reform is to build a healthier America. I realize that many people are without healthcare. I realize premiums are out of control. I realize that Americans are obese, out of shape and in poor health. I realize that these issues are complex. I want them solved too. I just got crushed with a $900 bill because my insurance wouldn’t cover treatment. I am getting screwed right along with the rest of us.

But give me some facts, not a campaign speech. 

Here are a couple of questions I have.

One of the purposes of this reform is to lower my premiums, or save me money. But, the cost of implementing this package will cost between $800 billion and $1 trillion dollars over the next 10 years. My question is, “Where is the money coming from to pay for the bill?” Since there isn’t a national money tree, it’s probably taxes—either personal or business. But if businesses are taxed, it’s just going to be passed along to me, so I’m basically still paying for it. If I have to spend money to save money, and the money I spend is more than the money I save, why would I spend the money? Something isn’t adding up.

America has become an obese, unhealthy nation. I agree. And people need affordable healthcare to address the related health issues. However, will mandating people have healthcare insurance stop them from eating Doritos? Will having classes available to tell them to stop eating Doritos make them stop eating Doritos? I think everyone on the planet knows smoking is bad for you, yet people still smoke. Something isn’t adding up.

The goal of reform is to make sure everyone in American has healthcare. So, using the governments numbers, if we have 47 million people without healthcare, and by implementing this plan, within 10 years, 30 million more people will have healthcare, what about the other 17 million people? If it takes us 10 years to come up 17 million short of the goal, isn’t that a failure?

I REALIZE THERE ARE A LOT OF GOOD THINGS IN THE BILLS. My point is, get it right, before you get it done.

I am going to point out a couple of things I came across in a Wall Street Journal article. I can't believe this stuff. 

SEC. 202. PROTECTING THE CHOICE TO KEEP CURRENT COVERAGE.

(a) GRANDFATHERED HEALTH INSURANCE COV ERAGE DEFINED.—Subject to the succeeding provisions of this section, for purposes of establishing acceptable coverage under this division, the term ‘‘grandfathered health insurance coverage’’ means individual health insurance coverage that is offered and in force and effect before the first day of Y1 if the following conditions are met:

(1) LIMITATION ON NEW ENROLLMENT.—

(A) IN GENERAL.—Except as provided in this paragraph, the individual health insurance issuer offering such coverage does not enroll any individual in such coverage if the first effective date of coverage is on or after the first day of Y1.

(B) DEPENDENT COVERAGE PERMITTED.—Subparagraph (A) shall not affect the subsequent enrollment of a dependent of an individual who is covered as of such first day.

(2) LIMITATION ON CHANGES IN TERMS OR CONDITIONS.—Subject to paragraph (3) and except as required by law, the issuer does not change any of its terms or conditions, including benefits and cost-sharing, from those in effect as of the day fore the first day of Y1.

(b) GRACE PERIOD FOR CURRENT EMPLOYMENT BASED HEALTH PLANS.—

(1) GRACE PERIOD.—

 (A) IN GENERAL.—The Commissioner shall establish a grace period whereby, for plan

13 years beginning after the end of the 5-year period beginning with Y1, an employment-based health plan in operation as of the day before the first day of Y1 must meet the same requirements as apply to a qualified health benefits plan under section 201, including the essential benefit package requirement under section 221.

Well, since you put it that way. Geez I feel foolish for not understanding.

OK, here’s another one that ought to be easy to figure out.

(1) INITIAL STANDARDS.—Not later than 18 months after the date of the enactment of this Act, the Secretary shall, through the rulemaking process consistent with subsection (a), adopt an initial set of benefit standards.

Now, I really feel stupid for not understanding.

And here comes my favorite part.

‘‘SEC. 59B. TAX ON INDIVIDUALS WITHOUT ACCEPTABLE HEALTH CARE COVERAGE.

‘‘(a) TAX IMPOSED.—In the case of any individual who does not meet the requirements of subsection (d) at any time during the taxable year, there is hereby imposed a tax equal to 2.5 percent of the excess of—‘‘(1) the taxpayer’s modified adjusted gross in

come for the taxable year, over ‘‘(2) the amount of gross income specified in section 6012(a)(1) with respect to the taxpayer.

Why, that is as clear as the nose on my face.

More juicy nuggets.

On Nov. 2, the Congressional Budget Office* estimated what the plans will likely cost. An individual earning $44,000 before taxes who purchases his own insurance (this would include many of the 47MM that don’t have insurance) will have to pay a $5,300 premium and an estimated $2,000 in out-of-pocket expenses, for a total of $7,300 a year, which is 17% of his pre-tax income. A family earning $102,100 a year before taxes will have to pay a $15,000 premium plus an estimated $5,300 out-of-pocket, for a $20,300 total, or 20% of its pre-tax income. A business will have to pickup 72.5% of the premium, which is about 15-22% higher than what they pay now.

Finally, my favorite provision of them all. This ought to be especially heartwarming to those with loved ones suffering from terminal cancer.

(b) RECOGNITION OF ATTENDING PHYSICIAN AS7

SISTANTS AS ATTENDING PHYSICIANS TO SERVE HOSPICE PATIENTS.—

(1) IN GENERAL.—Section 1861(dd)(3)(B) of such Act (42 U.S.C. 1395x(dd)(3)(B)) is amended—

(A) by striking ‘‘or nurse’’ and inserting ‘‘, the nurse’’; and (B) by inserting ‘‘or the physician assistant (as defined in such subsection),’’ after ‘‘subsection (aa)(5)),’’.

You understand that one don't you?

I can’t make this stuff up. It’s all in there and in language that none of us can begin to comprehend. This is precisely why we have to know the facts, before we get sucked into the wave of emotion created by a town hall speech or a tea party. To absorb our politicians' rhetoric as gospel is lunacy. To quote Bruce Springsteen "Blind faith in your leaders or in anything will get you killed."

Yes, there are great necessary reforms in these bills. Yes there are valid points and arguments. But in my opinion, these things make this a totally effed option. I don't really like the bird in my hand, but I don't know anything about those two birds in the bush. 

Here’s my position. We don’t need healthcare reform. We need healthcare insurance reform. We need to legislate the hell out of the insurance companies and the pharmaceutical companies and take the control out of their hands. Force them to make the healthcare insurance and coverage I am receiving now and like, more affordable. Squeeze their profits. Don’t make me buy an insurance plan that you say I need and the price you say I have to pay. The bottom line—put the noose around their necks before you put the noose around mine.

Go ahead. Call me a hater now.

*www.cbo.gov/ftpdocs/106xx/doc10682/11-30-ARRA.pdf