How to write an Onion story using lyrics from classic rock songs

I am a huge fan on the Onion, basically because I am a huge fan of satire, and have been since high school when I read "The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs” in National Lampoon. Unfortunately, political correctness has ruined the art of satire. Satire without malice is hilarious—no matter what the topic. People have got to lighten up. Sometime funny is just funny, period. But, if you don’t think it’s funny,  I will just ignore your whining anyway.

Back to The Onion. As I said, I am a big fan. But recently I noticed something about some of the articles there is a formula that can be applied to craft a story. I call it the Classic Rock Song formula.

The idea is simple. Take the lyrics and subject matter from a classic rock song, put some verbs, adverbs, adjectives and nouns around them and—voila! you have an Onion story. Here are a couple quick stories to get you started, and then do a few of your own.

Unemployed Man Willing to Take Long Nights—Impossible Odds.

BELOIT, WI—Local accountant Robert Soure, became a victim of the economy when he was let go from his job at Express Mechanics after 21 years of service. Recently he was overheard telling friends that “all he wanted was a job and security”, to give him a chance to survive this economic recession.

After spending most of his life in the “white collar” field of accounting, Soure said he would even be willing to work the long nights and take on the impossible odds of success in a blue collar position, noting he was tired of his wife and family laughing in his face about his career misfortune. 

He went on to say, he would welcome “eye on the keyhole”, indicating an interest in the field of overnight building security. Even through his disappointment he eluded a sense of optimism indicating his belief that happiness was only a heartbeat away. Soure then closed his eyes as if to pretend he was already there.

Area Couple Sells Home, Moves to Mountain Cabin After Riding Out Winter Storm

BOULDER, CO—Jim and Nancy Barker, immediately put their Denver city home up for sale upon returning home from being stranded in their Boulder cabin for the duration of last week’s 3-day blizzard.

“We were just kind of sitting around waiting for the storm to die out when it hit us—Nancy and I were much happier being stranded in our cabin that we were in the fast life of Denver”, said Jim. “Right” added Nancy. “We were just about out of wine and started talking about what we missed about the city and we couldn’t come up with a single thing. It was almost as if our true home was just being alone with each other”.

“It was blowing pretty hard outside”, added Jim, “and to be honest with you, it was kind of frightening, but as hard as it would be to handle the elements and challenges of living in the wild, but we both agreed the rewards would be worth the effort.”

 The Barkers 3BR, 3BA ranch home is listed at $258,900. It can be seen by appointment by calling with Chet Parkins of Borderwest Realty.

  

Man Ignores Best Friends Warning. Falls In Love With Prostitute

PARAMUS, NJ—Dan Castonado, ignored his friend’s advice and proposed to local hooker Tiffany Thomas at the Yankees game on Monday, only to be turned down in front of a sellout crowd of 47,000 fans.

 “I didn’t want to believe him when he told me my girlfriend Tiffany was a prostitute. She didn’t seem like one to me. I mean, prostitutes usually spend a lot of time alone walking around looking for guys. We would walk right down the street together and she wouldn’t say a thing about it.”

Tiffany, whose street nickname is "Strutter", said she thought Dan understood she was a prostitute and was ok with it. “I thought he would get the hint when I would walk by him while I was working. You would have thought the 6 inch platforms, tight dress and no underwear would have been enough of an indication, but I guess not”.

Dan did express his disappointment at the ending of the relationship noting, “I admit I cried, but she was the hottest girl I ever dated. Everyone would tell me how good she looked. I was on a pretty big high most of the time”.

See? It’s just that easy. Now it’s up to you. Pick a song and give it a whirl.