Here's Your Last Shot at Sanity

It’s down to the end of the line folks. Less than 8 hours to vote for your favorite unqualified douche canoe to serve themselves for the next (insert term length here). Lord knows our selection of nut bags is the widest it’s ever been. At least in my lifetime. You’ve got Harry Reid and Christine O’Donnell on the national stage for starters. Right here in Wisconsin we’ve got Rebecca “Gay Marriage is like marrying a table” Kleefisch and Tom “I’m qualified to be governor because I can take a punch” Barrett”, right here in our own state.

I know it’s too late to do anything. But if you haven’t voted yet, I am asking for you to write me in – for any position. I don’t care. But I’ve got to be better than what’s out there.

But, before you vote – educate yourself. Take a look at my entire television campaign. I didn’t spend millions of dollars. I shot it all at home and in my car with a $168 Flip Cam. That makes me fiscally conservative. And I don’t think gay marriage is the same as having sex with a table, so that makes me socially liberal.

Take a quick look. If you like what you see, write me in – for anything. Because a vote for me, is…well…a vote for me.

“I’m Running for Anything”

“I Don’t Have Genital Warts”

“Take a Civics Class”

“Don’t Play God With My Family”

“The Tea Party Movement”

“I Love the Great State of Wisconsin”

We are so f*cked. 

"Trouble in the Heartland" A Tribute EP Perhaps?

As a part of my radio station gig, I have to contribute to  the Dave and Carole Newsletter. So I entitled the column“At Random”, so I have a lot of flexibility on content – within reason of course. So this week, I am going with an audio “At Random”, and will share a little musical effort of mine.

For several years, I have been messing around in my basement, recording cover versions of some of my favorite songs. Ultimately, a song must start being composed on a single instrument, so I imagine how I would have done it initially and put it on tape. I never thought much about doing anything with them, until I saw what a casual musical acquaintance of mine from Boston, Bill Janovitz (of Buffalo Tom fame), has been doing with his covers. He has created a “cover of the week” blog where he records a cover and shares a personal story that brought him to the song.

It’s a cool idea. So, I am going to "rip it off" I guess. However, I am not going to burden you with a cover every week. They will pop up from time to time. It’s fun for me, and it gets me back in the recording mode. I also have been toying with this idea of putting out a CD of Springsteen covers titled, “Trouble in the Heartland”. I have a few in the can already, so I thought I'd share one. 

My first installment - New York City Serenade.

New York City Serenade is off Bruce’s second release, The Wild, The Innocent and the E Street Shuffle, the album most noted for the concert performance epic, Rosalita.

The first time I heard NYCS, I had never been to New York City, but as the lyrics unfolded, I could literally see the alley ways, the tenements, and Billy “sittin low in the back seat of his Cadillac”, somewhere in the middle of a rainy Manhattan night. I was able to put faces to The Fish Lady and the Vibes Man and the entire story played out with the visual look and feel of a Martin Scorcese film. The way Bruce uses words to create imagery is one of the reasons I am drawn to his music. Every song is a novella the listener gets to interpret in their own way. It energizes the mind as well as the ears.

This version is reminiscent of a cover version done by Pete Yorn, a singer-songwriter who has also covered several Springsteen songs. I started messing around with it, futzed with the piano and harmonica and it kind of came together.

I hope you like it. If not, that's cool too. 

Click here to listen

New York City Serenade

Random WTH Moments

What the hell? 

Doesn’t it seem as if we say this a lot more than we used to? At least in my life it has become more prevalent. I find myself constantly amazed by the things people do and say without taking those around them into consideration.

We run into these people every day, everywhere. We all know them. And in some instances we are them. In fact, it would be arrogant to think that other people aren't looking at us and saying, "what the hell?"

So I have begun journaling “what the hell” moments that I encounter, and from time to time I will be sharing them with you in the Dave and Carole Newsletter. You may agree with some, you may disagree with others. I encourage you to share them with us. It’s fun, and believe it or not, it causes ourselves to stop and take note of our own actions so we don’t become someone else’s “what the hell”.

Location:             La Guardia - Security Line

While standing in a long security line, a man proceeds to open a can of gefilte fish and snack away. It is the foulest odor to have ever been subjected to.  I would describe it as the smell of a one ton pile of rotting fish on a 90/90 (90 degrees and 90% humidity) day. Can’t you wait until you’re away from the line and humanity?

Location:             La Guardia – Boarding Process

For those of you who have flown on a regular, or semi-regular basis, you are familiar with the boarding process. They start at the back of the plane and work their way forward. So, if you are seated in one of the back rows, and have a carry-on, you place it in the overhead near your seat – IN THE REAR OF THE PLANE! It does not go in the first overhead compartment you see up front. Why? Because I am sitting in 3A and that is where MY CARRY ON GOES! Now I am stuck going back to 13C to stow my bag, subsequently screwing up the entire de-boarding process and being made to wait until everyone is off the plane, just because you don’t want to carry your little roller bag 27 rows.

Location:             Next door to me

Why did you bury a dead golden retriever on the property line next to my house? Obviously, it’s better than burying a live golden retriever, but nevertheless, you still buried a golden retriever on the property line next to my house.

I don’t care if you read this. Why? Because you buried a golden retriever on the property line next to my house.

Location:             Church

A woman’s cell phone rings. It happens right? We have all forgotten to turn the ringer off or put it on vibrate at one time or another. But lady, when it rings, how about a sense of urgency in trying to locate it. And for god’s sake, DON’T ANSWER IT, proceed to get up, leave the pew and walk to the vestibule to finish the call, while continuing to talk as you walk through the congregation. God hates you now.

If you need more KB in your life, (and really, who doesn’t?) follow me on Twitter @kb965.

Brett Farve Silenced By My Facebook Status

Monday night’s game between the Packers and the Vikings was the most watched ESPN broadcast of all time. It was the classic match-up between a legendary NFL franchise (Packers), and the d-bag, from now on to be referred to as D-Brett, who stabbed them in the back. So before you get started on the Ted Thompson rampage, remember the Packers went back to D-Brett 3 TIMES, offering him a chance to un-retire (April, June and July 2008) and both he and jacked them around. Don’t believe me? Follow the timelines in the press.

But that is neither here nor there.

It has been brought to my attention that I had a voice in D-B’s post-game presser on Monday night. Thanks to dear friend and sportscaster, Dawn Mitchell, who currently works for Fox Sports in Minneapolis.

As a Packer fan, I was a big fan of D-Brett’s. I must admit, I too was upset when he left the Packers. However, when he played for the Jets last year, it didn’t seem to bother me. He was in New York, in the AFC and not a mortal enemy of my home team.  He was gone. And I was ok with that. A-Rodg is my boy now. Heck, I lived through Don Horn, Frank Patrick, Jim Del Gaizo, Lynn Dickey, Blair Kiel, Scott Hunter, Rich Campbell, (need I go on?), I know I will survive.

But when D-Brett took the field on Monday night it was wrong. Very wrong. It sucked. It was the Vikings. How could anyone do that? He said it wasn’t revenge. Bullsh*t. It was all revenge, and in “sticking it to Ted Thompson”, he stuck it to thousands of Packer fans that supported him while he was a drug addict, through his many indiscretions in the back rooms of several Milwaukee night clubs, his horrendous post-season, won-loss record since the 1996 Super Bowl, and the interception against the Giants in the NFC Championship Game.

I’d like to say that it surprised me, but it didn’t. All that matters to D-Brett is D-Brett. Not even Ellie Mae, Jethro, Uncle Jed and the rest of his possum, er, ah…posse.

But it still hurt.

Anyway, back to the press conference. Seeing him so excited on the field infuriated me. He wasn’t supposed to like it that much. That was our “sex face”, not the Vikings fans. It made me feel dirty and used. So I posted my feelings on Facebook.

“Watching this game is like watching an ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend. AND she's happier than she ever was with you. And you say, well, I'm happy for her. But deep down you're really not. Isn't there a WNBA game on I can watch?”

It’s wasn’t so much that she was with the other guy – she was showing him her “sex face”. And this sex face was a filthier, nastier, “I’ll let you do things to me, that I would never let him do”, sex face. It was like a knife through the heart, stomach and back.

Apparently, Dawn saw my post on Facebook and decided to throw it at Brett in the press conference. A question which CONFUSED D-Brett. Go figure. His response was, “I don’t know if I even know how to respond to that”. And he shouldn’t know how to respond to it. You would have to have some type of consideration for those around you to craft a response. But, since he never thought about anyone other than himself, he was rendered speechless. Score – KB!

I suppose that one day I will be able to see him again and not be bothered. Kind of like finding an old crush on Facebook, who is now fat and ugly and you ask yourself, “What did I ever see in her? Damn, she really let herself go. I am so glad, I didn’t end up with her.” It makes you feel better. But remember, she is probably saying the same about you.

What the Hell - The Journey Begins with "The Naked Shaver"

What the hell!!

This page is dedicated to the behavior of people that make you say "what the hell?", as in "What the hell are you thinking?", or "what the hell are you doing.?"

We run into these people every day, everywhere. We all know them. We may be them. In fact, it would be pretty arrogant to think that other people aren't looking at us and saying, "what the hell?"

But it doesn't matter. Because this is a view from my world.

So who are "what the hell" people?

People that are inconsiderate of others but staunchly believe the world must be considerate of them. The loud cell phone talker in a public place guy; the "how dare you take my pool chair even though I just got here" guy;

Basically, a-holes.

So to you I say "What the Hell?"

So who is the first "What the Hell?"

The "Bad Locker Room Ettiquette" Guy

No man should ever be so comfortable with his own body that he can stand in front of locker room vanity completely naked and shave. Just so we get this straight – I don’t want to ever see your junk. I don’t know what is more disturbing – having to see your junk or the fact that you aren’t considerate of the fact that no one else wants to see your junk.

If you still don’t get why your privates need to be kept private, let me spell it out for you. For starters, it looks like you are dragging a Crown Royal bag between your legs and I am not even going to say anything about the peen. It goes without saying that it needs to be kept covered - especially if you’ve got the turtleneck. They hand out towels at the door. Use it.

Let's move on to the sauna or the steam room and say hi to "Mr. Lay  Down Naked on the Bench" Guy. He is a close relative of the naked shaver. Don't do it. It makes you look really creepy. Even worse than the naked shaver. Why? Because you are laying down. Oh...and by the way, please refrain from the deep sighs while you are in there. We know it's hot. That is why we went in there, so please keep your labored breathing to yourself. K? K.

And keeping with the locker room theme, how about you Mr. “I have to set my gym bag down on the bench so no one else can sit down” guy. In case you didn’t know, benches are for sitting, not your gym bag, so put it on the floor. I need to sit down on the bench to tie my shoes shoes or put on a pair of socks and it’s pretty difficult to do with your gym bag and it's contents sprawled all over the place. And your junk best not be hanging out either or there's gonna be trouble.

Next up on my hit list...The Reformed Smoker.