Pass the chips Mr. "Late-in-life I think I am going to do a triathlon" guy.

So many annoyances, so little time.

Before I begin, I would like to make one thing perfectly clear. When I write my little rants about people, it is NOT a description of one particular individual. Nor is it a description of anyone I know personally. It is simply an account of the collective behaviors of a variety of individuals involved in a shared activity.

Also, don’t call me a hater. I am not a hater, I prefer to say I am mildly observant.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let us proceed. After careful consideration I now present to you my latest person that I find annoying – the “late-in-life, I am training for a triathlon” guy.

Many of you will say, the only reason this guy annoys me, is because I am not physically fit enough to complete one of these events. To which I respond - you are absolutely, 100% correct. In addition, I don’t want to. And the reason I don’t can be summed up in two words – it’s hard.

Why at my age would I ever say to myself, “I think I want to do the Ironman”. Why would I want to give up all my free time, cheeseburgers, and the comfort of laying on the couch watching “Rehab. Party at the Hard Rock Hotel”. I have nothing to prove to myself. If I want to feel rewarded by physical accomplishment, I will do it vicariously by pledging 10¢ a mile to a co-worker who is walking to raise awareness for the trendy disease du jour. It’s a win-win. They get money and I become aware of their cause, and feel a sense of personal reward knowing I have done something kind and generous.

If you want to train for a triathlon, by all means knock yourself out. But do me a favor and don’t tell me about it EVERY SINGLE TIME I see you. It’s obnoxious and annoying. You wouldn’t go up to a cancer patient and say, “I think I am going to grow my hair out”, would you? Then say to me “I am going to do a triathlon”, when you know damn well I can’t.

Furthermore, you don’t have to constantly tag the phrase “…because I am training for a triathlon” on the back of every sentence. For example, when you’re standing at an hors d’ourves table watching me pile my plate with little weenies, cheese chunks and spinach dip, don’t say – “That looks good. I’d have some myself but I’m…TRAINING FOR A TRIATHLON”. Don’t go ordering a club soda at the bar and then proclaim loudly, “I’d really like a glass of red wine, but I’ve had to give it up ever since I started…TRAINING FOR A TRIATHLON”. Keep it to yourself. Better yet, go hang out with all your other “training for a triathlon” friends and spend the evening talking miles, carbo-loading, split times and target heart rates.

And don’t be calling yourself a tri-athlete either. Unless you have been a tri-athlete for most of your life, you can’t call yourself a tri-athlete just because you signed up for one next March. Until you complete it, you aren’t a tri-athlete. And even then, you’re still not a tri-athlete. You’re just a person that has done a triathlon.

Last, but not least, if you are doing the triathlon to get in shape, for god’s sake don’t start wearing the lycra shorts until you ARE in shape. That extra 30 pounds hanging over the rolled over waistband is disgusting. It is reminiscent of a Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza. I am going to go out on a limb and add that the aerodynamic benefits of a tight fitting triathlon suit aren’t going to shave 3 minutes off your time.

So if you’re currently over 40 and have just decided that you are going to finally do that triathlon, put a sock in it and pass the taco dip if you’re not going to have any.

Brett Farve Silenced By My Facebook Status

Monday night’s game between the Packers and the Vikings was the most watched ESPN broadcast of all time. It was the classic match-up between a legendary NFL franchise (Packers), and the d-bag, from now on to be referred to as D-Brett, who stabbed them in the back. So before you get started on the Ted Thompson rampage, remember the Packers went back to D-Brett 3 TIMES, offering him a chance to un-retire (April, June and July 2008) and both he and jacked them around. Don’t believe me? Follow the timelines in the press.

But that is neither here nor there.

It has been brought to my attention that I had a voice in D-B’s post-game presser on Monday night. Thanks to dear friend and sportscaster, Dawn Mitchell, who currently works for Fox Sports in Minneapolis.

As a Packer fan, I was a big fan of D-Brett’s. I must admit, I too was upset when he left the Packers. However, when he played for the Jets last year, it didn’t seem to bother me. He was in New York, in the AFC and not a mortal enemy of my home team.  He was gone. And I was ok with that. A-Rodg is my boy now. Heck, I lived through Don Horn, Frank Patrick, Jim Del Gaizo, Lynn Dickey, Blair Kiel, Scott Hunter, Rich Campbell, (need I go on?), I know I will survive.

But when D-Brett took the field on Monday night it was wrong. Very wrong. It sucked. It was the Vikings. How could anyone do that? He said it wasn’t revenge. Bullsh*t. It was all revenge, and in “sticking it to Ted Thompson”, he stuck it to thousands of Packer fans that supported him while he was a drug addict, through his many indiscretions in the back rooms of several Milwaukee night clubs, his horrendous post-season, won-loss record since the 1996 Super Bowl, and the interception against the Giants in the NFC Championship Game.

I’d like to say that it surprised me, but it didn’t. All that matters to D-Brett is D-Brett. Not even Ellie Mae, Jethro, Uncle Jed and the rest of his possum, er, ah…posse.

But it still hurt.

Anyway, back to the press conference. Seeing him so excited on the field infuriated me. He wasn’t supposed to like it that much. That was our “sex face”, not the Vikings fans. It made me feel dirty and used. So I posted my feelings on Facebook.

“Watching this game is like watching an ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend. AND she's happier than she ever was with you. And you say, well, I'm happy for her. But deep down you're really not. Isn't there a WNBA game on I can watch?”

It’s wasn’t so much that she was with the other guy – she was showing him her “sex face”. And this sex face was a filthier, nastier, “I’ll let you do things to me, that I would never let him do”, sex face. It was like a knife through the heart, stomach and back.

Apparently, Dawn saw my post on Facebook and decided to throw it at Brett in the press conference. A question which CONFUSED D-Brett. Go figure. His response was, “I don’t know if I even know how to respond to that”. And he shouldn’t know how to respond to it. You would have to have some type of consideration for those around you to craft a response. But, since he never thought about anyone other than himself, he was rendered speechless. Score – KB!

I suppose that one day I will be able to see him again and not be bothered. Kind of like finding an old crush on Facebook, who is now fat and ugly and you ask yourself, “What did I ever see in her? Damn, she really let herself go. I am so glad, I didn’t end up with her.” It makes you feel better. But remember, she is probably saying the same about you.

Dear Reformed Smoker - STOP WHINING!

Dear Reformed Smoker:

Stop your whining.

We are all very proud of the fact that you quit smoking. It’s tough to do. I know because I used to smoke myself. But do you know what makes my smoking cessation different than yours?

I don’t feel compelled to spend the rest of my life lecturing other smokers about how they should quit smoking and how smoking infringes on their rights and health, blah blah blah blah. I don’t do that fake little “cough, cough” when I am next to a smoker who legally has every right to be there. If the law says they can smoke – they can smoke. It is up to ME to move, not them.

I don't quote every single medical fact about smoking. I know smoking causes cancer. That's why I don't smoke anymore. Because I don't want to get cancer. But if someone else wants to get cancer, who am I to stop them?

The unwritten law of smoking and non-smoking works like this. Whoever is there first, wins. If you are a smoker and you sit down next to a non-smoker who was there first, you can’t smoke. If you want to smoke, it is incumbent upon you to find other smokers and smoke by them. Even if that means going outside to smoke because the place you are in is smoke-free. Something just dawned on me. Obama is a smoker. Do you think he has to go outside and sit on the loading dock with the other smokers that work at the White House? "So what are you doing this weekend Barack?"

But I digress.

On the other hand, if you are a non-smoker and you sit down next to a smoker, you have no right to tell him not to smoke. It is incumbent upon you to go to a non-smoking area. You were the one who decided to sit next to a smoker. So you deal with the consequences. If you are a non-smoker and you go into a restaurant and the non-smoking wait is 45 minutes, but the smoking wait is immediately and you choose to sit immediately, then deal with it.

I just realized that what I have described in the last few paragraphs is something that is quite rare in today's society. It's called - consideration. Imagine that. Having respect for another person. What an interesting concept.

Personally, I like smokers. They are fun. They have gravelly voices that entertain me. They drink a lot. They are risk takers. Unfortunately, they hang out in places where other people smoke. And I end up smelling like smoke, which I dislike, but it's not going to stop me from letting them smoke. Nor is it going to make me think any less of them because they smoke. I just won't go where I don't want to go. Simple as that.

So to you reformed smokers – shut it. You used to smoke. You are the tobacco equivalent of a serial killer that has found god on death row. And no matter what you believe, you don't have the right to initiate the jihad against people that chose to light up.