How to write an Onion story using lyrics from classic rock songs

I am a huge fan on the Onion, basically because I am a huge fan of satire, and have been since high school when I read "The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs” in National Lampoon. Unfortunately, political correctness has ruined the art of satire. Satire without malice is hilarious—no matter what the topic. People have got to lighten up. Sometime funny is just funny, period. But, if you don’t think it’s funny,  I will just ignore your whining anyway.

Back to The Onion. As I said, I am a big fan. But recently I noticed something about some of the articles there is a formula that can be applied to craft a story. I call it the Classic Rock Song formula.

The idea is simple. Take the lyrics and subject matter from a classic rock song, put some verbs, adverbs, adjectives and nouns around them and—voila! you have an Onion story. Here are a couple quick stories to get you started, and then do a few of your own.

Unemployed Man Willing to Take Long Nights—Impossible Odds.

BELOIT, WI—Local accountant Robert Soure, became a victim of the economy when he was let go from his job at Express Mechanics after 21 years of service. Recently he was overheard telling friends that “all he wanted was a job and security”, to give him a chance to survive this economic recession.

After spending most of his life in the “white collar” field of accounting, Soure said he would even be willing to work the long nights and take on the impossible odds of success in a blue collar position, noting he was tired of his wife and family laughing in his face about his career misfortune. 

He went on to say, he would welcome “eye on the keyhole”, indicating an interest in the field of overnight building security. Even through his disappointment he eluded a sense of optimism indicating his belief that happiness was only a heartbeat away. Soure then closed his eyes as if to pretend he was already there.

Area Couple Sells Home, Moves to Mountain Cabin After Riding Out Winter Storm

BOULDER, CO—Jim and Nancy Barker, immediately put their Denver city home up for sale upon returning home from being stranded in their Boulder cabin for the duration of last week’s 3-day blizzard.

“We were just kind of sitting around waiting for the storm to die out when it hit us—Nancy and I were much happier being stranded in our cabin that we were in the fast life of Denver”, said Jim. “Right” added Nancy. “We were just about out of wine and started talking about what we missed about the city and we couldn’t come up with a single thing. It was almost as if our true home was just being alone with each other”.

“It was blowing pretty hard outside”, added Jim, “and to be honest with you, it was kind of frightening, but as hard as it would be to handle the elements and challenges of living in the wild, but we both agreed the rewards would be worth the effort.”

 The Barkers 3BR, 3BA ranch home is listed at $258,900. It can be seen by appointment by calling with Chet Parkins of Borderwest Realty.

  

Man Ignores Best Friends Warning. Falls In Love With Prostitute

PARAMUS, NJ—Dan Castonado, ignored his friend’s advice and proposed to local hooker Tiffany Thomas at the Yankees game on Monday, only to be turned down in front of a sellout crowd of 47,000 fans.

 “I didn’t want to believe him when he told me my girlfriend Tiffany was a prostitute. She didn’t seem like one to me. I mean, prostitutes usually spend a lot of time alone walking around looking for guys. We would walk right down the street together and she wouldn’t say a thing about it.”

Tiffany, whose street nickname is "Strutter", said she thought Dan understood she was a prostitute and was ok with it. “I thought he would get the hint when I would walk by him while I was working. You would have thought the 6 inch platforms, tight dress and no underwear would have been enough of an indication, but I guess not”.

Dan did express his disappointment at the ending of the relationship noting, “I admit I cried, but she was the hottest girl I ever dated. Everyone would tell me how good she looked. I was on a pretty big high most of the time”.

See? It’s just that easy. Now it’s up to you. Pick a song and give it a whirl. 

It's the Little Things that Count

It’s the little things that count. How many times have we heard that? A least a buh-jillion? Yet, too often we don’t even know what the little things are. So just for grins I decided to make a list of some of the little things I really love in life, but never really think about, until I have to think about them. Like now. 

• The two days after Patrick and I get a video game we can both play. Because those are the only two days I can compete with him. After that, he’s got the game mastered and I get smoked every time I pick up the controller 

• The windows open on a summer night and the sound of kids playing capture the flag long after dark 

• Cole slaw instead of sauerkraut on a Rueben

• Having another passenger in the car so I can use the diamond lane when the on-ramp is backed up 

• A flushed 3-iron 

• Seeing an open parking spot on the other side of the street and having no on-coming traffic so you can kick a u-turn and get the spot before the guy who circled the block gets back to it.

• Two days after a workout, when your muscles are really, really sore. Then you deeply massage them and it hurts even more. But it’s the few seconds of relief right after you stop that are the best in the world. 

• The strawberry-banana smoothie at SmoothieLicious 

• The sound of my snow plow guy’s truck backing in my driveway up at 4am

• Understanding exactly why a manager made the double switch 

• Reserving judgment when those around you aren’t.

• Having a student leave class and then tell you they went back to their dorm and started working right away because they felt inspired 

• Getting to the Rolaids not a moment too soon 

• Free coffee (sub) day when you’ve finally filled up your punch card 

• Winning one dollar on Powerball 

• Man vs. Food

• The Red Sox beating the Yankees 

• The Brewers beating the Red Sox 

• Blind to the truth Brett Favre worshippers 

• Acedia 

• Seeing a recent picture of yourself where you don’t look half-bad 

• The first time you put on new socks 

• Spotting the perfect mullet 

• Having a legitimate excuse to leave somewhere you really don’t want to be in the first place 

• Ernest Hemmingway. Women, booze, bullfighting. Enough said. 

• Balancing your checkbook the very first time you try 

• On Golden Pond

  

That is just the start of my list. Do yourself a favor. Start writing down your own list. You might find that life doesn’t suck as much as you think it does. But, then again, it does kind of suck from time to time. 

Dear Boys of Summer: Welcome Back

Dear Boys of Summer: 

Welcome Back. We've missed you.

I love baseball. Not the psychotic “Bob Costas, George Will, worship at the altar of Abner Doubleday” type of love. But more like the “there’s nothing better than a hot summer night, an ice cold beer and a perfectly executed squeeze play”, type of love. So with Opening Day right around the corner, I’d like to share my 10 favorite things about game of baseball. Some are obvious. Some, perhaps a bit obscure. It’s the collective of all these little things that have made me a fan for life.

This list isn’t Milwaukee Brewer/Miller Park list per se. Sure we have the Racing Sausages, tailgating and cranky parking lot attendants, but these are more universal. Hopefully this list will bring to mind some of the overlooked experiences and memories you may have surrounding America’s greatest game

1.    81 Days of Pageantry

From April through October, you have the chance to go to 81 of the best parties this city has to offer. College Football may have its marching bands and student sections, but that’s only once a week. With baseball, you can go on a 10-day run during a homestand. You can’t do that with any other sport. Thank god they throw a road trip in to allow you to re-load.

2.    There’s Always Tomorrow

That is, until mid-September if your team is in the hunt. A disappointing loss on May 15 can always be followed by a final inning, walk-off victory.

3.    Bad Managerial Decisions

“Why did he leave him in so long?”

“You gotta pinch hit for him against a lefty”

“I can’t believe they didn’t intentionally walk Pujols.”

Each and every game we have something to second-guess. It sucks us in and makes us feel like a part of the game.

4.    Urban Ballparks

Wrigley, Fenway, Old Yankee Stadium. If you’ve never had the opportunity to see a game at a ballpark that sits in the middle of a neighborhood, put it on your bucket list. There’s something about walking around a city block on game day, looking up at the big brick walls that takes you back to the days when men wore suits and women wore their fancy hats to the game. It’s a feeling you don’t get when you stroll 400 yards across a sea of asphalt and painted yellow lines. 

5.    Vin Scully

My apologies to the great Bob Uecker, but there is no one better than Vin Scully when it comes to calling a game on the radio. He starts the inning by calling out the batter and then proceeds to commentate until the last out, weaving stories of players’ past accomplishments, their minor league career, a pitcher’s tendencies or an anecdote of someone’s childhood. All while never stopping to take a breath. You will never tune in a Dodger game and hear dead silence. He is the quintessential play-by-play announcer and color man rolled into one.

6.    Peanuts

I never eat salted in the shell peanuts. But at a ballgame, they are mandatory. A game isn’t a game until I’ve created a mound of shell and peels at my feet. Adding to the experience is the rogue peanut skin that somehow finds its way into the foam of your beer. Delish.

7.    The Retaliation Plunking

I’m a hockey guy. To that end, I completely understand why there are fights in hockey, which is why I am a big fan of the retaliation plunking in baseball. It allows the players to self-police the game, something that doesn’t happen in many other games. For example, how many pro football games have you seen where a player makes a tackle (holding the runner to an 8-yard gain), and then proceeds to thump his chest incessantly? That doesn’t happen in baseball. Why? Because the player who pulls a stunt like that is going to get a pitch in the ribs the next time he comes to the plate. And that my friends, is the way the game is supposed to be played.

8.    Dads Teaching Their Kids How to Keep Score

Just about every person who says, “I loved going to games as a kid”, generally follows that up with, “My dad taught me how to keep score.” What they should have said was, “My dad started teaching me how to keep score”. As the father of a son, I tried to teach my son how to keep a scorebook. That lasted about 3 innings. Right until the time the cotton candy/licorice vendor walked down the aisle.

9.    Batting Practice

The stadium is practically empty, with the exception of kids and programs hawking the rail looking for autographs. The echo of the bat crack sounds like a thunderclap on a quiet summer evening. The smell of the concession stands is just starting to fill the park. Yep.

10.     West Coast Road Games on the Radio

The upstairs windows are open with a light breeze coming through. Outside the neighbor kids are engaged in a tense game of capture the flag, and at approximately 9:15pm Ueck’s voice comes over the crappy clock radio on your nightstand with “Brewer baseball is on the air”. The first pitch comes at about 9:23 and by 10:42 you’re deep in REM sleep. The next morning it’s a race to the paper to find out how the game ended. A great start to a great day after a great night’s sleep.

And so the journey begins. Six months, 162 games, with the hopes that come October, you’ll be passing on those ND football tickets because you don’t want to miss Game 6. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

See you at the yard.

Adventures of the World's Greatest Procrastinator

I don't know exactly when I started procrastinating to the level I do know. I think it might have been right after my freshman year at St. Norbert College. I had done remarkably well, finishing with a GPA of 3.75. But, it took it's toll on me too. It seems that after experiencing all that pressure, I comple

Healthcare Reform Legislation is More Out of Control than Healthcare is

I have come to the conclusion Healthcare Reform Legislation is officially more out of control than the Healthcare itself. I am emphatically stating, in no uncertain terms, I am completely against the Healthcare Reform bills Congress is trying pass. I am also emphatically stating, I AM 1000% IN FAVOR OF HEALTHCARE REFORM. But if anyone can tell me what is in these bills, I would really appreciate it. I don’t think anyone in the friggin world understands it. Hence Nancy Pelosi’s comment –

“But we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy.”

You’re kidding me right? That’s like saying. “Hey buy this Toyota. We know there are a lot of concerns regarding its safety, and you are getting conflicting points of view as to whether they are true or not, but just buy it anyway. After you own it we can take a look, see what’s wrong and then try to fix it.”

How about this? Let’s figure out what’s in it first, and maybe the fog of controversy will be lifted.

Now, I fully realize I will be vilified for being opposed to this legislation, but before you strike back, do two things for me.

First, read my introductory paragraph again. I did not say I was against healthcare reform. I said I was against the healthcare reform BILLS. There is HUGE difference between the two.

Secondly, read the bills. You can find them here. I’ve tried. I jumped around to sections I felt were important. I can’t understand what the hell is in there. I’ve talked to Herb Kohl personally on several occasions, in non-political contexts. Based on the depth of our conversations, I am pretty sure he can’t understand it either. 

The House Bill is H.R. 3962.

http://docs.house.gov/rules/health/111_ahcaa.pdf

The Senate Bill is H.R. 3590

http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h3590/text

Maybe I’m too stupid to understand the solutions being presented, but so far, this is what we’ve heard from both sides of the aisle. “We need healthcare reform (pound fist on podium)” or “This is not the type of reform we need! (pound fist on podium).” Can someone please explain it to me simply using facts so I can understand? Is that too much to ask?

I realize that the purpose of healthcare reform is to build a healthier America. I realize that many people are without healthcare. I realize premiums are out of control. I realize that Americans are obese, out of shape and in poor health. I realize that these issues are complex. I want them solved too. I just got crushed with a $900 bill because my insurance wouldn’t cover treatment. I am getting screwed right along with the rest of us.

But give me some facts, not a campaign speech. 

Here are a couple of questions I have.

One of the purposes of this reform is to lower my premiums, or save me money. But, the cost of implementing this package will cost between $800 billion and $1 trillion dollars over the next 10 years. My question is, “Where is the money coming from to pay for the bill?” Since there isn’t a national money tree, it’s probably taxes—either personal or business. But if businesses are taxed, it’s just going to be passed along to me, so I’m basically still paying for it. If I have to spend money to save money, and the money I spend is more than the money I save, why would I spend the money? Something isn’t adding up.

America has become an obese, unhealthy nation. I agree. And people need affordable healthcare to address the related health issues. However, will mandating people have healthcare insurance stop them from eating Doritos? Will having classes available to tell them to stop eating Doritos make them stop eating Doritos? I think everyone on the planet knows smoking is bad for you, yet people still smoke. Something isn’t adding up.

The goal of reform is to make sure everyone in American has healthcare. So, using the governments numbers, if we have 47 million people without healthcare, and by implementing this plan, within 10 years, 30 million more people will have healthcare, what about the other 17 million people? If it takes us 10 years to come up 17 million short of the goal, isn’t that a failure?

I REALIZE THERE ARE A LOT OF GOOD THINGS IN THE BILLS. My point is, get it right, before you get it done.

I am going to point out a couple of things I came across in a Wall Street Journal article. I can't believe this stuff. 

SEC. 202. PROTECTING THE CHOICE TO KEEP CURRENT COVERAGE.

(a) GRANDFATHERED HEALTH INSURANCE COV ERAGE DEFINED.—Subject to the succeeding provisions of this section, for purposes of establishing acceptable coverage under this division, the term ‘‘grandfathered health insurance coverage’’ means individual health insurance coverage that is offered and in force and effect before the first day of Y1 if the following conditions are met:

(1) LIMITATION ON NEW ENROLLMENT.—

(A) IN GENERAL.—Except as provided in this paragraph, the individual health insurance issuer offering such coverage does not enroll any individual in such coverage if the first effective date of coverage is on or after the first day of Y1.

(B) DEPENDENT COVERAGE PERMITTED.—Subparagraph (A) shall not affect the subsequent enrollment of a dependent of an individual who is covered as of such first day.

(2) LIMITATION ON CHANGES IN TERMS OR CONDITIONS.—Subject to paragraph (3) and except as required by law, the issuer does not change any of its terms or conditions, including benefits and cost-sharing, from those in effect as of the day fore the first day of Y1.

(b) GRACE PERIOD FOR CURRENT EMPLOYMENT BASED HEALTH PLANS.—

(1) GRACE PERIOD.—

 (A) IN GENERAL.—The Commissioner shall establish a grace period whereby, for plan

13 years beginning after the end of the 5-year period beginning with Y1, an employment-based health plan in operation as of the day before the first day of Y1 must meet the same requirements as apply to a qualified health benefits plan under section 201, including the essential benefit package requirement under section 221.

Well, since you put it that way. Geez I feel foolish for not understanding.

OK, here’s another one that ought to be easy to figure out.

(1) INITIAL STANDARDS.—Not later than 18 months after the date of the enactment of this Act, the Secretary shall, through the rulemaking process consistent with subsection (a), adopt an initial set of benefit standards.

Now, I really feel stupid for not understanding.

And here comes my favorite part.

‘‘SEC. 59B. TAX ON INDIVIDUALS WITHOUT ACCEPTABLE HEALTH CARE COVERAGE.

‘‘(a) TAX IMPOSED.—In the case of any individual who does not meet the requirements of subsection (d) at any time during the taxable year, there is hereby imposed a tax equal to 2.5 percent of the excess of—‘‘(1) the taxpayer’s modified adjusted gross in

come for the taxable year, over ‘‘(2) the amount of gross income specified in section 6012(a)(1) with respect to the taxpayer.

Why, that is as clear as the nose on my face.

More juicy nuggets.

On Nov. 2, the Congressional Budget Office* estimated what the plans will likely cost. An individual earning $44,000 before taxes who purchases his own insurance (this would include many of the 47MM that don’t have insurance) will have to pay a $5,300 premium and an estimated $2,000 in out-of-pocket expenses, for a total of $7,300 a year, which is 17% of his pre-tax income. A family earning $102,100 a year before taxes will have to pay a $15,000 premium plus an estimated $5,300 out-of-pocket, for a $20,300 total, or 20% of its pre-tax income. A business will have to pickup 72.5% of the premium, which is about 15-22% higher than what they pay now.

Finally, my favorite provision of them all. This ought to be especially heartwarming to those with loved ones suffering from terminal cancer.

(b) RECOGNITION OF ATTENDING PHYSICIAN AS7

SISTANTS AS ATTENDING PHYSICIANS TO SERVE HOSPICE PATIENTS.—

(1) IN GENERAL.—Section 1861(dd)(3)(B) of such Act (42 U.S.C. 1395x(dd)(3)(B)) is amended—

(A) by striking ‘‘or nurse’’ and inserting ‘‘, the nurse’’; and (B) by inserting ‘‘or the physician assistant (as defined in such subsection),’’ after ‘‘subsection (aa)(5)),’’.

You understand that one don't you?

I can’t make this stuff up. It’s all in there and in language that none of us can begin to comprehend. This is precisely why we have to know the facts, before we get sucked into the wave of emotion created by a town hall speech or a tea party. To absorb our politicians' rhetoric as gospel is lunacy. To quote Bruce Springsteen "Blind faith in your leaders or in anything will get you killed."

Yes, there are great necessary reforms in these bills. Yes there are valid points and arguments. But in my opinion, these things make this a totally effed option. I don't really like the bird in my hand, but I don't know anything about those two birds in the bush. 

Here’s my position. We don’t need healthcare reform. We need healthcare insurance reform. We need to legislate the hell out of the insurance companies and the pharmaceutical companies and take the control out of their hands. Force them to make the healthcare insurance and coverage I am receiving now and like, more affordable. Squeeze their profits. Don’t make me buy an insurance plan that you say I need and the price you say I have to pay. The bottom line—put the noose around their necks before you put the noose around mine.

Go ahead. Call me a hater now.

*www.cbo.gov/ftpdocs/106xx/doc10682/11-30-ARRA.pdf

I Am Running for Senator. Who’s With Me?

I’m sick of it. All of it. Healthcare reform. Stimulus packages. Underwear bombers. Nancy Pelosi. Glenn Beck. Keith Olberman. Fair and Balanced. Reconciliation. Tea Party Movement. You can take it all straight to hell on a high-speed rail train via Madison.

I don’t need any of you. What I need is $875.

Hey Politicians on either side of the aisle - don’t tell me what is best for me. I KNOW what is best for me, and right now it’s finding a way to come up with $875. I am getting tired of rich politicians saying I make too much money. It's easy to do when you own a basketball team. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I need $875. And the last time I checked. $875 wouldn't even get me a pair of courtsides tickets to see a team that has had 4 winning seasons in the last 20 years play.

So I hereby announce my candidacy for the Wisconsin U.S. Senate seat, because I want to change laws so I don't have to scrounge around to get $875. Russ Feingold, get the hell out of the way, Satan’s caddy is comin to town with an empty wallet and a bug up his ass.

So you may be asking, “Are you qualified?”  “What experience do you have?” None. Which is precisely why I AM qualified. And DON’T call me a Republican. Just because I think Obama and Pelosi are morons, doesn’t automatically make me a Republican. It means I think Obama and Pelosi are morons. Cheney is a douche and W was a idiot too. That's a 2-2 tie. Stupid isn't red or blue. Stupid is stupid.

I am running for Senate as the only member of the “Common Sense” Party. My platform is simple—give the country a big whack in the head with a baseball bat. We don’t need “Hope and Change”. We need a grumpy, dad to kick our ass and tell us we've got a head filled with sand. That is my political model.

Here are my key platform items and my stance on issues by applying the principles of Common Sense. Simplistic approach? Absolutely. That’s my point. We need to start under-thinking things. 

I have to make a declaration speech at some point. Here are my thoughts. I probably won’t say them exactly because I don’t plan on using a tele-prompter.

            Pass Civics test before you’re elected. Spoiler Alert - We don’t live in a democracy. We live in a republic. See, if these words ring a bell. “And to the republic, for which it stands…” We elect people to vote how we would vote. I don’t have time to go vote because Montana needs a dam for a river. I’ve got to get that drywall in the basement fixed. You handle it. That’s what we pay you for.

         Vote. Don’t just wear your sticker around on your North Face jacket and say you voted. If you didn’t have time to vote because you had to pick up your dry cleaning, shut up. That includes the local elections too. I don't want a guy running my 14,000 person Village because he talked 685 friends into voting for him.

         No more taxes for a while. If the government doesn't have the money to buy new sh*t, then don’t buy new sh*t. I got cut 10% at BOTH my jobs. You know what I did then? I stopped buying sh*t I didn't need.

      Here's a note to Governor Doyle. You're supposed to be a lame duck. Act like it. You're spending money like a wife who knows she is going to leave her husband and starts running up his credit cards. Stop hanging us with the tab. You're killing me here. 

         NRA members are insane. You can't go in all or nothing. Yes, we have the right to bear arms. The right to bear arms doesn’t mean anyone can walk into a store and walk out with a glock. There are some sick mothers out there. And I am not buying  the argument that an automatic rifle that fires 200 rounds a minute is a deer hunting rifle either.

      Stop blaming the previous administration for everything. We elected you, so shut up, and get to work. You sound like Barry, this guy I work with, who keeps bitching about his ex-wife. I hated her too, but she’s been gone for over two years. Man up for chrissakes.”

      Another thing, stop saying "I want..." It's not about you. It's about us. It's about what WE want. Think about the last time you saw a 9-year old kid who kept saying, "I want, I want, I want. Pretty annoying huh? 

        The healthcare system is definitely a trainwreck. BUT, don't stand there and tell me you can write a 2,500+ page bill, know everything that's in it and then vote for it. I’m calling BS. I had to read A Tale of Two Cities in high school and that took me three flippin months. And at the end of the semester, I still flunked the final.

         Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid are bankrupt. And the government should run healthcare? Who ran Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid? Oh yeah, you did. The by all means be my guest, and way don't we spot you a TRILLION DOLLARS to get started.

      Here's a thought...how about enacting some strict laws that clamp down on the insurance and drug companies first. That's where the bleeding is. Let's try that first. See what happens. Pick their pockets before you start picking mine. 

        Taking bailout money from the government and then giving out bonuses is a total dick move. I lent my brother $250 bucks once because he said he had to fix his breaks and the sonofabitch showed up at the golf course with a new driver. What a d-bag.

        If you are not a citizen of this country and you were one of the a-holes that planned 9/11, you’re not entitled to the rights of a US Citizen. Why? Because you’re not a US Citizen. Sorry. You don’t get the same legal protection as a guy who might have planted a tree too close to the neighbor’s property line. Sorry, you just don’t.

       And another thing. Do you honestly think George W. Bush was smart enough to hatch that “our government was behind 9/11” conspiracy theory? Seriously. You're telling me George W. was that smart? If you believe that then you’re the idiot.

      You wanna talk waterboarding? Then let’s call it what it is…a swirlie. You basically jammed the guy's head in the toilet and gave it a flush. Big friggin deal. I got one when I was a freshman. I got a wedgie too. It’s not like they’re burning his schlong with a cigarette. Lighten up. If dunking a terrorist means he gives up info, I have three words for you…fill the f****n pool.

     Oh…and now it’s torture because we play music that is against their religious beliefs? You gotta be kidding me. I had to live an entire semester with a roommate who played freakin Journey all day and night. Walk in my sandals Achmandildnsol.”

      Why should I care if two guys or two chicks get married? It's none of my business. You know what is my business? Where they live. And I want them living next door to me because they take care of their houses, they are friendly, polite, and usually have a wonderful assortment of fresh baked goods. Unlike that d*ckhead down the street who hasn't mowed his lawn in three weeks.

      Don’t call me a hater because I watch Fox News. You can watch Hannah Montana with your pants off for all I care. Why do you care what I watch? And for your information, I don’t watch Fox News because of Bill O’Reilly or Glen Beck. I watch because Gretchen Carlson has awesome legs and great cans.

      Go ahead. Dig up dirt on me. I don’t care. I’ll tell you all the shit I did right now if you want. Hell, when I was younger I used to drive home from Nick’s Tap flippin bulletproof. Window open, hand over one eye. Doesn't mean I do it now. Doesn’t mean I’m proud of it. What else do you wanna know? Wait a second....I've got an idea. Let me ask you a few questions. Did you ever make any dumb decisions? I can give you one. You're a reporter, it's not like you majored in chemistry. You have a communications degree.Which is basically 4 years of college where every answer is "it depends". How do I know that? Because I am a communications major. 

This is just common sense stuff.  Take it for what it is. Don't over-analyze it. Don't heap your baggage on the train. It is what it is. Oh...and it's sarcasm too. 

What's in Your Top 5?

I was reading the Onion a few weeks back, and happened across a very interesting interview with a nationally known recording artist, whose name escapes me at the moment, but the name isn’t important. Generally, the rock star interview will always include the obligatory, “who are your influences”, or the “what type of music are you listening to now” question. In this case, the reporter asked the same question in a very compelling manner. He asked the artist to put his iPod on shuffle and write down the first five songs that came up. He then asked the artist to tell a brief story about each.

I thought this was pretty cool, and not being a rock star myself, there was little chance of a reporter asking this of me. Therefore, I am asking myself. So here are the first five songs that have been shuffled to the top of my iPod playlist.

“Get Up and Go” – Hanson

Yes, that Hanson. The “long-haired, pre-pubescent teen heartthrobs who rose to the top of the charts in 1997 with the mega-hit, ‘MmmmmBop’” Hanson. Why are they on my iPod? Because they are good. Seriously. I saw them live a few years ago at the Rave when I went to see a friend of mine, Pat McGee, who was doing support for them on the Midwest leg of their tour. I was blown away. They flippin rocked, as Greg Koch would say, “like demons of the day and of the night.”

In January of this year, I was in Boston tech-ing for the “Hot Stove. Cool Music” show at the HOB. The headliner for the evening was the new quasi-supergroup, “Tinted Windows”, comprised of Bun E. Carlos of Cheap Trick; James Iha from Smashing Pumpkins; Adam Schlesinger from Fountains of Wayne; and lo and behold, none other than Taylor (the middle) Hanson, on lead vocals.

“Laughing Out Loud” – The Wallflowers

The Wallflowers are best known as the band fronted by Jakob Dylan, son of Bob Dylan. Their first album, “Bringing Down the Horse”, pretty much kicked ass. It spawned four Billboard Top 10 hits – One Headlight, The Difference, Three Marlena’s and 6^th Avenue Heartache. They also won two Grammy’s in 1998.

I was lucky enough to open for them at Summerfest back in 2001. I remember keyboardist Rami Jaffee backstage watching the show in a big floppy hat. Our final song of the set was the Head East classic, “Never Been Any Reason.” Rami was practically freaking out (really, it’s Head East. Who wouldn’t be?). He ran one stage and squeezed in with Jerry, our keyboard player, and finished the song with us. It was pretty cool.

“Roulette” – Bruce Springsteen

Given the extremely large number of Springsteen songs on my iPod, the statistical probability of one popping up was pretty much a given. I am just glad it wasn’t a song from his latest album, “Working on a Dream”, which in my opinion pretty much sucks.

“Roulette” is an outtake from The River session and was on the B-Side of “One Step Up”. Side note: Paul Cebar does a KILLER cover version of “One Step Up”. It starts with a furious drum beat, then continues with Bruce’s searing Telecaster sound and so many lyrics that Bruce can hardly keep up with the pace of the song. It’s a deep cut that shows up in concerts on a very rare basis. I’ve been witness to it only twice and in both instances the energy was as intense as the song itself.

“That’s All It Took”  – Gram Parsons & The Fallen Angels w/Emmylou Harris

I was getting into alt-country singer/songwriters like Jeff Tweedy (Wilco), and Ryan Adams when Anjl Rodee, an original member of “kb’smidlifecrisis”, turned me on to Gram Parsons. I didn’t know much about him, other than he was the guy who replaced David Crosby in the Byrds, hung out with the Stones, did a lot of drugs and OD’d in the early 70’s.

Before he died, he went country. “That’s All it Took is a duet with Emmylou Harris and sounds like it was cut right out of the George Jones/Tammy Wynette/Buck Ownes/Porter Wagoner songbook. However, not all his music was hardcore old country. Listening to his material, it’s easy to see how his writing and style influenced a lot of the alt-country artists of today. 

“My Last Name” – The Ranch

I was recording some music for a client in Nashville with a very gifted producer Jansen Press, who was a guitar player with Angie Aparo, Mary Karlzen, and other Nashville based artists. We needed a session bass player, so Jan called his friend Jerry Flowers, this 6 foot something bald guy.

As with most Nashville players, it only takes him about 20 minutes to lay down the entire bass line for the song. Zip in, zip out – just like going into Wisconsin. After Jerry leaves, Jan says “He used to be in this kick a$$ country band called The Ranch”, who played in bars around here. They actually got signed one night playing in this bar on Broadway.” I buy the CD and it blows me away. Totally rocking new country. Great picking and awesome harmonies. Oh…I forgot to mention, the front man for The Ranch was Keith Urban. So now I can say, Keith Urban’s bass player is playing on my song “I Want You Tonight”.

So those are my 5 songs and my 5 stories. Try it yourself. It’s pretty fun to do. Send me lists and your stories.  You can respond here, do it via the 96.5 WKLH Facebook page, Twitter @kb965, or email me at kb@wklh.com .

Open Letters to Annoying People

I tend to get annoyed with things that really aren’t worth getting annoyed over. It’s just the way I am. I really never do anything about it, other than point it out on the my radio show. I’ve never been one to write letters to the editor or follow traditional channels to voice my opinion. It’s time to change that. Here are my open letters to people that need a little wake up call.

Dear Cast of “The Jersey Shore”

Your 15 minutes are up. 

Dear Man vs. Food Guy:

Puke on camera. Just once.

Dear President Obama:

Enough with the “blame everything on Bush” rhetoric. You sound like a broken record. And for the record, I hated him too.

Dear Nancy Pelosi:

Stop talking to me like I am an eight year-old. And wipe that smug look off your face.

Dear Glenn Beck:

Stop talking to me like I am an eight year-old. And wipe that smug look off your face.

Dear Bruce Springsteen:

Please put out an album that doesn’t suck as bad as  “Working on a Dream”. 

Dear Tiger:

It’s the network. Get a 2^nd phone next time.

Dear Obsessed Brett Farve Followers:

He doesn't love you anymore. In fact, he never did. Deal with it. 

Dear World Cup Soccer Fans:

The only things exciting about your sport are bloody, drunk soccer hooligans. And fires in the bleachers.

Dear Sarah Palin:

Bobby Jindahl called. He said you’re even making him look good now.

Dear Willy Wonka Candy Makers:

The mango and pineapple Runts taste like crap.

Dear Lady GaGa:

Stop it right now.

Dear Facebook Friends:

I love you all dearly, but I’m not going to help you get pigs, or fences or milk cows.

Dear Me:

Lighten up a bit.

Feel free to add your own. Remember to follow me on Twitter @kb965

"Trouble in the Heartland" A Tribute EP Perhaps?

As a part of my radio station gig, I have to contribute to  the Dave and Carole Newsletter. So I entitled the column“At Random”, so I have a lot of flexibility on content – within reason of course. So this week, I am going with an audio “At Random”, and will share a little musical effort of mine.

For several years, I have been messing around in my basement, recording cover versions of some of my favorite songs. Ultimately, a song must start being composed on a single instrument, so I imagine how I would have done it initially and put it on tape. I never thought much about doing anything with them, until I saw what a casual musical acquaintance of mine from Boston, Bill Janovitz (of Buffalo Tom fame), has been doing with his covers. He has created a “cover of the week” blog where he records a cover and shares a personal story that brought him to the song.

It’s a cool idea. So, I am going to "rip it off" I guess. However, I am not going to burden you with a cover every week. They will pop up from time to time. It’s fun for me, and it gets me back in the recording mode. I also have been toying with this idea of putting out a CD of Springsteen covers titled, “Trouble in the Heartland”. I have a few in the can already, so I thought I'd share one. 

My first installment - New York City Serenade.

New York City Serenade is off Bruce’s second release, The Wild, The Innocent and the E Street Shuffle, the album most noted for the concert performance epic, Rosalita.

The first time I heard NYCS, I had never been to New York City, but as the lyrics unfolded, I could literally see the alley ways, the tenements, and Billy “sittin low in the back seat of his Cadillac”, somewhere in the middle of a rainy Manhattan night. I was able to put faces to The Fish Lady and the Vibes Man and the entire story played out with the visual look and feel of a Martin Scorcese film. The way Bruce uses words to create imagery is one of the reasons I am drawn to his music. Every song is a novella the listener gets to interpret in their own way. It energizes the mind as well as the ears.

This version is reminiscent of a cover version done by Pete Yorn, a singer-songwriter who has also covered several Springsteen songs. I started messing around with it, futzed with the piano and harmonica and it kind of came together.

I hope you like it. If not, that's cool too. 

Click here to listen

New York City Serenade

Random WTH Moments

What the hell? 

Doesn’t it seem as if we say this a lot more than we used to? At least in my life it has become more prevalent. I find myself constantly amazed by the things people do and say without taking those around them into consideration.

We run into these people every day, everywhere. We all know them. And in some instances we are them. In fact, it would be arrogant to think that other people aren't looking at us and saying, "what the hell?"

So I have begun journaling “what the hell” moments that I encounter, and from time to time I will be sharing them with you in the Dave and Carole Newsletter. You may agree with some, you may disagree with others. I encourage you to share them with us. It’s fun, and believe it or not, it causes ourselves to stop and take note of our own actions so we don’t become someone else’s “what the hell”.

Location:             La Guardia - Security Line

While standing in a long security line, a man proceeds to open a can of gefilte fish and snack away. It is the foulest odor to have ever been subjected to.  I would describe it as the smell of a one ton pile of rotting fish on a 90/90 (90 degrees and 90% humidity) day. Can’t you wait until you’re away from the line and humanity?

Location:             La Guardia – Boarding Process

For those of you who have flown on a regular, or semi-regular basis, you are familiar with the boarding process. They start at the back of the plane and work their way forward. So, if you are seated in one of the back rows, and have a carry-on, you place it in the overhead near your seat – IN THE REAR OF THE PLANE! It does not go in the first overhead compartment you see up front. Why? Because I am sitting in 3A and that is where MY CARRY ON GOES! Now I am stuck going back to 13C to stow my bag, subsequently screwing up the entire de-boarding process and being made to wait until everyone is off the plane, just because you don’t want to carry your little roller bag 27 rows.

Location:             Next door to me

Why did you bury a dead golden retriever on the property line next to my house? Obviously, it’s better than burying a live golden retriever, but nevertheless, you still buried a golden retriever on the property line next to my house.

I don’t care if you read this. Why? Because you buried a golden retriever on the property line next to my house.

Location:             Church

A woman’s cell phone rings. It happens right? We have all forgotten to turn the ringer off or put it on vibrate at one time or another. But lady, when it rings, how about a sense of urgency in trying to locate it. And for god’s sake, DON’T ANSWER IT, proceed to get up, leave the pew and walk to the vestibule to finish the call, while continuing to talk as you walk through the congregation. God hates you now.

If you need more KB in your life, (and really, who doesn’t?) follow me on Twitter @kb965.

Pass the chips Mr. "Late-in-life I think I am going to do a triathlon" guy.

So many annoyances, so little time.

Before I begin, I would like to make one thing perfectly clear. When I write my little rants about people, it is NOT a description of one particular individual. Nor is it a description of anyone I know personally. It is simply an account of the collective behaviors of a variety of individuals involved in a shared activity.

Also, don’t call me a hater. I am not a hater, I prefer to say I am mildly observant.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let us proceed. After careful consideration I now present to you my latest person that I find annoying – the “late-in-life, I am training for a triathlon” guy.

Many of you will say, the only reason this guy annoys me, is because I am not physically fit enough to complete one of these events. To which I respond - you are absolutely, 100% correct. In addition, I don’t want to. And the reason I don’t can be summed up in two words – it’s hard.

Why at my age would I ever say to myself, “I think I want to do the Ironman”. Why would I want to give up all my free time, cheeseburgers, and the comfort of laying on the couch watching “Rehab. Party at the Hard Rock Hotel”. I have nothing to prove to myself. If I want to feel rewarded by physical accomplishment, I will do it vicariously by pledging 10¢ a mile to a co-worker who is walking to raise awareness for the trendy disease du jour. It’s a win-win. They get money and I become aware of their cause, and feel a sense of personal reward knowing I have done something kind and generous.

If you want to train for a triathlon, by all means knock yourself out. But do me a favor and don’t tell me about it EVERY SINGLE TIME I see you. It’s obnoxious and annoying. You wouldn’t go up to a cancer patient and say, “I think I am going to grow my hair out”, would you? Then say to me “I am going to do a triathlon”, when you know damn well I can’t.

Furthermore, you don’t have to constantly tag the phrase “…because I am training for a triathlon” on the back of every sentence. For example, when you’re standing at an hors d’ourves table watching me pile my plate with little weenies, cheese chunks and spinach dip, don’t say – “That looks good. I’d have some myself but I’m…TRAINING FOR A TRIATHLON”. Don’t go ordering a club soda at the bar and then proclaim loudly, “I’d really like a glass of red wine, but I’ve had to give it up ever since I started…TRAINING FOR A TRIATHLON”. Keep it to yourself. Better yet, go hang out with all your other “training for a triathlon” friends and spend the evening talking miles, carbo-loading, split times and target heart rates.

And don’t be calling yourself a tri-athlete either. Unless you have been a tri-athlete for most of your life, you can’t call yourself a tri-athlete just because you signed up for one next March. Until you complete it, you aren’t a tri-athlete. And even then, you’re still not a tri-athlete. You’re just a person that has done a triathlon.

Last, but not least, if you are doing the triathlon to get in shape, for god’s sake don’t start wearing the lycra shorts until you ARE in shape. That extra 30 pounds hanging over the rolled over waistband is disgusting. It is reminiscent of a Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza. I am going to go out on a limb and add that the aerodynamic benefits of a tight fitting triathlon suit aren’t going to shave 3 minutes off your time.

So if you’re currently over 40 and have just decided that you are going to finally do that triathlon, put a sock in it and pass the taco dip if you’re not going to have any.