I Am Running for Senator. Who’s With Me?

I’m sick of it. All of it. Healthcare reform. Stimulus packages. Underwear bombers. Nancy Pelosi. Glenn Beck. Keith Olberman. Fair and Balanced. Reconciliation. Tea Party Movement. You can take it all straight to hell on a high-speed rail train via Madison.

I don’t need any of you. What I need is $875.

Hey Politicians on either side of the aisle - don’t tell me what is best for me. I KNOW what is best for me, and right now it’s finding a way to come up with $875. I am getting tired of rich politicians saying I make too much money. It's easy to do when you own a basketball team. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I need $875. And the last time I checked. $875 wouldn't even get me a pair of courtsides tickets to see a team that has had 4 winning seasons in the last 20 years play.

So I hereby announce my candidacy for the Wisconsin U.S. Senate seat, because I want to change laws so I don't have to scrounge around to get $875. Russ Feingold, get the hell out of the way, Satan’s caddy is comin to town with an empty wallet and a bug up his ass.

So you may be asking, “Are you qualified?”  “What experience do you have?” None. Which is precisely why I AM qualified. And DON’T call me a Republican. Just because I think Obama and Pelosi are morons, doesn’t automatically make me a Republican. It means I think Obama and Pelosi are morons. Cheney is a douche and W was a idiot too. That's a 2-2 tie. Stupid isn't red or blue. Stupid is stupid.

I am running for Senate as the only member of the “Common Sense” Party. My platform is simple—give the country a big whack in the head with a baseball bat. We don’t need “Hope and Change”. We need a grumpy, dad to kick our ass and tell us we've got a head filled with sand. That is my political model.

Here are my key platform items and my stance on issues by applying the principles of Common Sense. Simplistic approach? Absolutely. That’s my point. We need to start under-thinking things. 

I have to make a declaration speech at some point. Here are my thoughts. I probably won’t say them exactly because I don’t plan on using a tele-prompter.

            Pass Civics test before you’re elected. Spoiler Alert - We don’t live in a democracy. We live in a republic. See, if these words ring a bell. “And to the republic, for which it stands…” We elect people to vote how we would vote. I don’t have time to go vote because Montana needs a dam for a river. I’ve got to get that drywall in the basement fixed. You handle it. That’s what we pay you for.

         Vote. Don’t just wear your sticker around on your North Face jacket and say you voted. If you didn’t have time to vote because you had to pick up your dry cleaning, shut up. That includes the local elections too. I don't want a guy running my 14,000 person Village because he talked 685 friends into voting for him.

         No more taxes for a while. If the government doesn't have the money to buy new sh*t, then don’t buy new sh*t. I got cut 10% at BOTH my jobs. You know what I did then? I stopped buying sh*t I didn't need.

      Here's a note to Governor Doyle. You're supposed to be a lame duck. Act like it. You're spending money like a wife who knows she is going to leave her husband and starts running up his credit cards. Stop hanging us with the tab. You're killing me here. 

         NRA members are insane. You can't go in all or nothing. Yes, we have the right to bear arms. The right to bear arms doesn’t mean anyone can walk into a store and walk out with a glock. There are some sick mothers out there. And I am not buying  the argument that an automatic rifle that fires 200 rounds a minute is a deer hunting rifle either.

      Stop blaming the previous administration for everything. We elected you, so shut up, and get to work. You sound like Barry, this guy I work with, who keeps bitching about his ex-wife. I hated her too, but she’s been gone for over two years. Man up for chrissakes.”

      Another thing, stop saying "I want..." It's not about you. It's about us. It's about what WE want. Think about the last time you saw a 9-year old kid who kept saying, "I want, I want, I want. Pretty annoying huh? 

        The healthcare system is definitely a trainwreck. BUT, don't stand there and tell me you can write a 2,500+ page bill, know everything that's in it and then vote for it. I’m calling BS. I had to read A Tale of Two Cities in high school and that took me three flippin months. And at the end of the semester, I still flunked the final.

         Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid are bankrupt. And the government should run healthcare? Who ran Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid? Oh yeah, you did. The by all means be my guest, and way don't we spot you a TRILLION DOLLARS to get started.

      Here's a thought...how about enacting some strict laws that clamp down on the insurance and drug companies first. That's where the bleeding is. Let's try that first. See what happens. Pick their pockets before you start picking mine. 

        Taking bailout money from the government and then giving out bonuses is a total dick move. I lent my brother $250 bucks once because he said he had to fix his breaks and the sonofabitch showed up at the golf course with a new driver. What a d-bag.

        If you are not a citizen of this country and you were one of the a-holes that planned 9/11, you’re not entitled to the rights of a US Citizen. Why? Because you’re not a US Citizen. Sorry. You don’t get the same legal protection as a guy who might have planted a tree too close to the neighbor’s property line. Sorry, you just don’t.

       And another thing. Do you honestly think George W. Bush was smart enough to hatch that “our government was behind 9/11” conspiracy theory? Seriously. You're telling me George W. was that smart? If you believe that then you’re the idiot.

      You wanna talk waterboarding? Then let’s call it what it is…a swirlie. You basically jammed the guy's head in the toilet and gave it a flush. Big friggin deal. I got one when I was a freshman. I got a wedgie too. It’s not like they’re burning his schlong with a cigarette. Lighten up. If dunking a terrorist means he gives up info, I have three words for you…fill the f****n pool.

     Oh…and now it’s torture because we play music that is against their religious beliefs? You gotta be kidding me. I had to live an entire semester with a roommate who played freakin Journey all day and night. Walk in my sandals Achmandildnsol.”

      Why should I care if two guys or two chicks get married? It's none of my business. You know what is my business? Where they live. And I want them living next door to me because they take care of their houses, they are friendly, polite, and usually have a wonderful assortment of fresh baked goods. Unlike that d*ckhead down the street who hasn't mowed his lawn in three weeks.

      Don’t call me a hater because I watch Fox News. You can watch Hannah Montana with your pants off for all I care. Why do you care what I watch? And for your information, I don’t watch Fox News because of Bill O’Reilly or Glen Beck. I watch because Gretchen Carlson has awesome legs and great cans.

      Go ahead. Dig up dirt on me. I don’t care. I’ll tell you all the shit I did right now if you want. Hell, when I was younger I used to drive home from Nick’s Tap flippin bulletproof. Window open, hand over one eye. Doesn't mean I do it now. Doesn’t mean I’m proud of it. What else do you wanna know? Wait a second....I've got an idea. Let me ask you a few questions. Did you ever make any dumb decisions? I can give you one. You're a reporter, it's not like you majored in chemistry. You have a communications degree.Which is basically 4 years of college where every answer is "it depends". How do I know that? Because I am a communications major. 

This is just common sense stuff.  Take it for what it is. Don't over-analyze it. Don't heap your baggage on the train. It is what it is. Oh...and it's sarcasm too. 

What's in Your Top 5?

I was reading the Onion a few weeks back, and happened across a very interesting interview with a nationally known recording artist, whose name escapes me at the moment, but the name isn’t important. Generally, the rock star interview will always include the obligatory, “who are your influences”, or the “what type of music are you listening to now” question. In this case, the reporter asked the same question in a very compelling manner. He asked the artist to put his iPod on shuffle and write down the first five songs that came up. He then asked the artist to tell a brief story about each.

I thought this was pretty cool, and not being a rock star myself, there was little chance of a reporter asking this of me. Therefore, I am asking myself. So here are the first five songs that have been shuffled to the top of my iPod playlist.

“Get Up and Go” – Hanson

Yes, that Hanson. The “long-haired, pre-pubescent teen heartthrobs who rose to the top of the charts in 1997 with the mega-hit, ‘MmmmmBop’” Hanson. Why are they on my iPod? Because they are good. Seriously. I saw them live a few years ago at the Rave when I went to see a friend of mine, Pat McGee, who was doing support for them on the Midwest leg of their tour. I was blown away. They flippin rocked, as Greg Koch would say, “like demons of the day and of the night.”

In January of this year, I was in Boston tech-ing for the “Hot Stove. Cool Music” show at the HOB. The headliner for the evening was the new quasi-supergroup, “Tinted Windows”, comprised of Bun E. Carlos of Cheap Trick; James Iha from Smashing Pumpkins; Adam Schlesinger from Fountains of Wayne; and lo and behold, none other than Taylor (the middle) Hanson, on lead vocals.

“Laughing Out Loud” – The Wallflowers

The Wallflowers are best known as the band fronted by Jakob Dylan, son of Bob Dylan. Their first album, “Bringing Down the Horse”, pretty much kicked ass. It spawned four Billboard Top 10 hits – One Headlight, The Difference, Three Marlena’s and 6^th Avenue Heartache. They also won two Grammy’s in 1998.

I was lucky enough to open for them at Summerfest back in 2001. I remember keyboardist Rami Jaffee backstage watching the show in a big floppy hat. Our final song of the set was the Head East classic, “Never Been Any Reason.” Rami was practically freaking out (really, it’s Head East. Who wouldn’t be?). He ran one stage and squeezed in with Jerry, our keyboard player, and finished the song with us. It was pretty cool.

“Roulette” – Bruce Springsteen

Given the extremely large number of Springsteen songs on my iPod, the statistical probability of one popping up was pretty much a given. I am just glad it wasn’t a song from his latest album, “Working on a Dream”, which in my opinion pretty much sucks.

“Roulette” is an outtake from The River session and was on the B-Side of “One Step Up”. Side note: Paul Cebar does a KILLER cover version of “One Step Up”. It starts with a furious drum beat, then continues with Bruce’s searing Telecaster sound and so many lyrics that Bruce can hardly keep up with the pace of the song. It’s a deep cut that shows up in concerts on a very rare basis. I’ve been witness to it only twice and in both instances the energy was as intense as the song itself.

“That’s All It Took”  – Gram Parsons & The Fallen Angels w/Emmylou Harris

I was getting into alt-country singer/songwriters like Jeff Tweedy (Wilco), and Ryan Adams when Anjl Rodee, an original member of “kb’smidlifecrisis”, turned me on to Gram Parsons. I didn’t know much about him, other than he was the guy who replaced David Crosby in the Byrds, hung out with the Stones, did a lot of drugs and OD’d in the early 70’s.

Before he died, he went country. “That’s All it Took is a duet with Emmylou Harris and sounds like it was cut right out of the George Jones/Tammy Wynette/Buck Ownes/Porter Wagoner songbook. However, not all his music was hardcore old country. Listening to his material, it’s easy to see how his writing and style influenced a lot of the alt-country artists of today. 

“My Last Name” – The Ranch

I was recording some music for a client in Nashville with a very gifted producer Jansen Press, who was a guitar player with Angie Aparo, Mary Karlzen, and other Nashville based artists. We needed a session bass player, so Jan called his friend Jerry Flowers, this 6 foot something bald guy.

As with most Nashville players, it only takes him about 20 minutes to lay down the entire bass line for the song. Zip in, zip out – just like going into Wisconsin. After Jerry leaves, Jan says “He used to be in this kick a$$ country band called The Ranch”, who played in bars around here. They actually got signed one night playing in this bar on Broadway.” I buy the CD and it blows me away. Totally rocking new country. Great picking and awesome harmonies. Oh…I forgot to mention, the front man for The Ranch was Keith Urban. So now I can say, Keith Urban’s bass player is playing on my song “I Want You Tonight”.

So those are my 5 songs and my 5 stories. Try it yourself. It’s pretty fun to do. Send me lists and your stories.  You can respond here, do it via the 96.5 WKLH Facebook page, Twitter @kb965, or email me at kb@wklh.com .

Open Letters to Annoying People

I tend to get annoyed with things that really aren’t worth getting annoyed over. It’s just the way I am. I really never do anything about it, other than point it out on the my radio show. I’ve never been one to write letters to the editor or follow traditional channels to voice my opinion. It’s time to change that. Here are my open letters to people that need a little wake up call.

Dear Cast of “The Jersey Shore”

Your 15 minutes are up. 

Dear Man vs. Food Guy:

Puke on camera. Just once.

Dear President Obama:

Enough with the “blame everything on Bush” rhetoric. You sound like a broken record. And for the record, I hated him too.

Dear Nancy Pelosi:

Stop talking to me like I am an eight year-old. And wipe that smug look off your face.

Dear Glenn Beck:

Stop talking to me like I am an eight year-old. And wipe that smug look off your face.

Dear Bruce Springsteen:

Please put out an album that doesn’t suck as bad as  “Working on a Dream”. 

Dear Tiger:

It’s the network. Get a 2^nd phone next time.

Dear Obsessed Brett Farve Followers:

He doesn't love you anymore. In fact, he never did. Deal with it. 

Dear World Cup Soccer Fans:

The only things exciting about your sport are bloody, drunk soccer hooligans. And fires in the bleachers.

Dear Sarah Palin:

Bobby Jindahl called. He said you’re even making him look good now.

Dear Willy Wonka Candy Makers:

The mango and pineapple Runts taste like crap.

Dear Lady GaGa:

Stop it right now.

Dear Facebook Friends:

I love you all dearly, but I’m not going to help you get pigs, or fences or milk cows.

Dear Me:

Lighten up a bit.

Feel free to add your own. Remember to follow me on Twitter @kb965

"Trouble in the Heartland" A Tribute EP Perhaps?

As a part of my radio station gig, I have to contribute to  the Dave and Carole Newsletter. So I entitled the column“At Random”, so I have a lot of flexibility on content – within reason of course. So this week, I am going with an audio “At Random”, and will share a little musical effort of mine.

For several years, I have been messing around in my basement, recording cover versions of some of my favorite songs. Ultimately, a song must start being composed on a single instrument, so I imagine how I would have done it initially and put it on tape. I never thought much about doing anything with them, until I saw what a casual musical acquaintance of mine from Boston, Bill Janovitz (of Buffalo Tom fame), has been doing with his covers. He has created a “cover of the week” blog where he records a cover and shares a personal story that brought him to the song.

It’s a cool idea. So, I am going to "rip it off" I guess. However, I am not going to burden you with a cover every week. They will pop up from time to time. It’s fun for me, and it gets me back in the recording mode. I also have been toying with this idea of putting out a CD of Springsteen covers titled, “Trouble in the Heartland”. I have a few in the can already, so I thought I'd share one. 

My first installment - New York City Serenade.

New York City Serenade is off Bruce’s second release, The Wild, The Innocent and the E Street Shuffle, the album most noted for the concert performance epic, Rosalita.

The first time I heard NYCS, I had never been to New York City, but as the lyrics unfolded, I could literally see the alley ways, the tenements, and Billy “sittin low in the back seat of his Cadillac”, somewhere in the middle of a rainy Manhattan night. I was able to put faces to The Fish Lady and the Vibes Man and the entire story played out with the visual look and feel of a Martin Scorcese film. The way Bruce uses words to create imagery is one of the reasons I am drawn to his music. Every song is a novella the listener gets to interpret in their own way. It energizes the mind as well as the ears.

This version is reminiscent of a cover version done by Pete Yorn, a singer-songwriter who has also covered several Springsteen songs. I started messing around with it, futzed with the piano and harmonica and it kind of came together.

I hope you like it. If not, that's cool too. 

Click here to listen

New York City Serenade

Random WTH Moments

What the hell? 

Doesn’t it seem as if we say this a lot more than we used to? At least in my life it has become more prevalent. I find myself constantly amazed by the things people do and say without taking those around them into consideration.

We run into these people every day, everywhere. We all know them. And in some instances we are them. In fact, it would be arrogant to think that other people aren't looking at us and saying, "what the hell?"

So I have begun journaling “what the hell” moments that I encounter, and from time to time I will be sharing them with you in the Dave and Carole Newsletter. You may agree with some, you may disagree with others. I encourage you to share them with us. It’s fun, and believe it or not, it causes ourselves to stop and take note of our own actions so we don’t become someone else’s “what the hell”.

Location:             La Guardia - Security Line

While standing in a long security line, a man proceeds to open a can of gefilte fish and snack away. It is the foulest odor to have ever been subjected to.  I would describe it as the smell of a one ton pile of rotting fish on a 90/90 (90 degrees and 90% humidity) day. Can’t you wait until you’re away from the line and humanity?

Location:             La Guardia – Boarding Process

For those of you who have flown on a regular, or semi-regular basis, you are familiar with the boarding process. They start at the back of the plane and work their way forward. So, if you are seated in one of the back rows, and have a carry-on, you place it in the overhead near your seat – IN THE REAR OF THE PLANE! It does not go in the first overhead compartment you see up front. Why? Because I am sitting in 3A and that is where MY CARRY ON GOES! Now I am stuck going back to 13C to stow my bag, subsequently screwing up the entire de-boarding process and being made to wait until everyone is off the plane, just because you don’t want to carry your little roller bag 27 rows.

Location:             Next door to me

Why did you bury a dead golden retriever on the property line next to my house? Obviously, it’s better than burying a live golden retriever, but nevertheless, you still buried a golden retriever on the property line next to my house.

I don’t care if you read this. Why? Because you buried a golden retriever on the property line next to my house.

Location:             Church

A woman’s cell phone rings. It happens right? We have all forgotten to turn the ringer off or put it on vibrate at one time or another. But lady, when it rings, how about a sense of urgency in trying to locate it. And for god’s sake, DON’T ANSWER IT, proceed to get up, leave the pew and walk to the vestibule to finish the call, while continuing to talk as you walk through the congregation. God hates you now.

If you need more KB in your life, (and really, who doesn’t?) follow me on Twitter @kb965.

Pass the chips Mr. "Late-in-life I think I am going to do a triathlon" guy.

So many annoyances, so little time.

Before I begin, I would like to make one thing perfectly clear. When I write my little rants about people, it is NOT a description of one particular individual. Nor is it a description of anyone I know personally. It is simply an account of the collective behaviors of a variety of individuals involved in a shared activity.

Also, don’t call me a hater. I am not a hater, I prefer to say I am mildly observant.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let us proceed. After careful consideration I now present to you my latest person that I find annoying – the “late-in-life, I am training for a triathlon” guy.

Many of you will say, the only reason this guy annoys me, is because I am not physically fit enough to complete one of these events. To which I respond - you are absolutely, 100% correct. In addition, I don’t want to. And the reason I don’t can be summed up in two words – it’s hard.

Why at my age would I ever say to myself, “I think I want to do the Ironman”. Why would I want to give up all my free time, cheeseburgers, and the comfort of laying on the couch watching “Rehab. Party at the Hard Rock Hotel”. I have nothing to prove to myself. If I want to feel rewarded by physical accomplishment, I will do it vicariously by pledging 10¢ a mile to a co-worker who is walking to raise awareness for the trendy disease du jour. It’s a win-win. They get money and I become aware of their cause, and feel a sense of personal reward knowing I have done something kind and generous.

If you want to train for a triathlon, by all means knock yourself out. But do me a favor and don’t tell me about it EVERY SINGLE TIME I see you. It’s obnoxious and annoying. You wouldn’t go up to a cancer patient and say, “I think I am going to grow my hair out”, would you? Then say to me “I am going to do a triathlon”, when you know damn well I can’t.

Furthermore, you don’t have to constantly tag the phrase “…because I am training for a triathlon” on the back of every sentence. For example, when you’re standing at an hors d’ourves table watching me pile my plate with little weenies, cheese chunks and spinach dip, don’t say – “That looks good. I’d have some myself but I’m…TRAINING FOR A TRIATHLON”. Don’t go ordering a club soda at the bar and then proclaim loudly, “I’d really like a glass of red wine, but I’ve had to give it up ever since I started…TRAINING FOR A TRIATHLON”. Keep it to yourself. Better yet, go hang out with all your other “training for a triathlon” friends and spend the evening talking miles, carbo-loading, split times and target heart rates.

And don’t be calling yourself a tri-athlete either. Unless you have been a tri-athlete for most of your life, you can’t call yourself a tri-athlete just because you signed up for one next March. Until you complete it, you aren’t a tri-athlete. And even then, you’re still not a tri-athlete. You’re just a person that has done a triathlon.

Last, but not least, if you are doing the triathlon to get in shape, for god’s sake don’t start wearing the lycra shorts until you ARE in shape. That extra 30 pounds hanging over the rolled over waistband is disgusting. It is reminiscent of a Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza. I am going to go out on a limb and add that the aerodynamic benefits of a tight fitting triathlon suit aren’t going to shave 3 minutes off your time.

So if you’re currently over 40 and have just decided that you are going to finally do that triathlon, put a sock in it and pass the taco dip if you’re not going to have any.

Brett Farve Silenced By My Facebook Status

Monday night’s game between the Packers and the Vikings was the most watched ESPN broadcast of all time. It was the classic match-up between a legendary NFL franchise (Packers), and the d-bag, from now on to be referred to as D-Brett, who stabbed them in the back. So before you get started on the Ted Thompson rampage, remember the Packers went back to D-Brett 3 TIMES, offering him a chance to un-retire (April, June and July 2008) and both he and jacked them around. Don’t believe me? Follow the timelines in the press.

But that is neither here nor there.

It has been brought to my attention that I had a voice in D-B’s post-game presser on Monday night. Thanks to dear friend and sportscaster, Dawn Mitchell, who currently works for Fox Sports in Minneapolis.

As a Packer fan, I was a big fan of D-Brett’s. I must admit, I too was upset when he left the Packers. However, when he played for the Jets last year, it didn’t seem to bother me. He was in New York, in the AFC and not a mortal enemy of my home team.  He was gone. And I was ok with that. A-Rodg is my boy now. Heck, I lived through Don Horn, Frank Patrick, Jim Del Gaizo, Lynn Dickey, Blair Kiel, Scott Hunter, Rich Campbell, (need I go on?), I know I will survive.

But when D-Brett took the field on Monday night it was wrong. Very wrong. It sucked. It was the Vikings. How could anyone do that? He said it wasn’t revenge. Bullsh*t. It was all revenge, and in “sticking it to Ted Thompson”, he stuck it to thousands of Packer fans that supported him while he was a drug addict, through his many indiscretions in the back rooms of several Milwaukee night clubs, his horrendous post-season, won-loss record since the 1996 Super Bowl, and the interception against the Giants in the NFC Championship Game.

I’d like to say that it surprised me, but it didn’t. All that matters to D-Brett is D-Brett. Not even Ellie Mae, Jethro, Uncle Jed and the rest of his possum, er, ah…posse.

But it still hurt.

Anyway, back to the press conference. Seeing him so excited on the field infuriated me. He wasn’t supposed to like it that much. That was our “sex face”, not the Vikings fans. It made me feel dirty and used. So I posted my feelings on Facebook.

“Watching this game is like watching an ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend. AND she's happier than she ever was with you. And you say, well, I'm happy for her. But deep down you're really not. Isn't there a WNBA game on I can watch?”

It’s wasn’t so much that she was with the other guy – she was showing him her “sex face”. And this sex face was a filthier, nastier, “I’ll let you do things to me, that I would never let him do”, sex face. It was like a knife through the heart, stomach and back.

Apparently, Dawn saw my post on Facebook and decided to throw it at Brett in the press conference. A question which CONFUSED D-Brett. Go figure. His response was, “I don’t know if I even know how to respond to that”. And he shouldn’t know how to respond to it. You would have to have some type of consideration for those around you to craft a response. But, since he never thought about anyone other than himself, he was rendered speechless. Score – KB!

I suppose that one day I will be able to see him again and not be bothered. Kind of like finding an old crush on Facebook, who is now fat and ugly and you ask yourself, “What did I ever see in her? Damn, she really let herself go. I am so glad, I didn’t end up with her.” It makes you feel better. But remember, she is probably saying the same about you.

Dear Reformed Smoker - STOP WHINING!

Dear Reformed Smoker:

Stop your whining.

We are all very proud of the fact that you quit smoking. It’s tough to do. I know because I used to smoke myself. But do you know what makes my smoking cessation different than yours?

I don’t feel compelled to spend the rest of my life lecturing other smokers about how they should quit smoking and how smoking infringes on their rights and health, blah blah blah blah. I don’t do that fake little “cough, cough” when I am next to a smoker who legally has every right to be there. If the law says they can smoke – they can smoke. It is up to ME to move, not them.

I don't quote every single medical fact about smoking. I know smoking causes cancer. That's why I don't smoke anymore. Because I don't want to get cancer. But if someone else wants to get cancer, who am I to stop them?

The unwritten law of smoking and non-smoking works like this. Whoever is there first, wins. If you are a smoker and you sit down next to a non-smoker who was there first, you can’t smoke. If you want to smoke, it is incumbent upon you to find other smokers and smoke by them. Even if that means going outside to smoke because the place you are in is smoke-free. Something just dawned on me. Obama is a smoker. Do you think he has to go outside and sit on the loading dock with the other smokers that work at the White House? "So what are you doing this weekend Barack?"

But I digress.

On the other hand, if you are a non-smoker and you sit down next to a smoker, you have no right to tell him not to smoke. It is incumbent upon you to go to a non-smoking area. You were the one who decided to sit next to a smoker. So you deal with the consequences. If you are a non-smoker and you go into a restaurant and the non-smoking wait is 45 minutes, but the smoking wait is immediately and you choose to sit immediately, then deal with it.

I just realized that what I have described in the last few paragraphs is something that is quite rare in today's society. It's called - consideration. Imagine that. Having respect for another person. What an interesting concept.

Personally, I like smokers. They are fun. They have gravelly voices that entertain me. They drink a lot. They are risk takers. Unfortunately, they hang out in places where other people smoke. And I end up smelling like smoke, which I dislike, but it's not going to stop me from letting them smoke. Nor is it going to make me think any less of them because they smoke. I just won't go where I don't want to go. Simple as that.

So to you reformed smokers – shut it. You used to smoke. You are the tobacco equivalent of a serial killer that has found god on death row. And no matter what you believe, you don't have the right to initiate the jihad against people that chose to light up.

What the Hell - The Journey Begins with "The Naked Shaver"

What the hell!!

This page is dedicated to the behavior of people that make you say "what the hell?", as in "What the hell are you thinking?", or "what the hell are you doing.?"

We run into these people every day, everywhere. We all know them. We may be them. In fact, it would be pretty arrogant to think that other people aren't looking at us and saying, "what the hell?"

But it doesn't matter. Because this is a view from my world.

So who are "what the hell" people?

People that are inconsiderate of others but staunchly believe the world must be considerate of them. The loud cell phone talker in a public place guy; the "how dare you take my pool chair even though I just got here" guy;

Basically, a-holes.

So to you I say "What the Hell?"

So who is the first "What the Hell?"

The "Bad Locker Room Ettiquette" Guy

No man should ever be so comfortable with his own body that he can stand in front of locker room vanity completely naked and shave. Just so we get this straight – I don’t want to ever see your junk. I don’t know what is more disturbing – having to see your junk or the fact that you aren’t considerate of the fact that no one else wants to see your junk.

If you still don’t get why your privates need to be kept private, let me spell it out for you. For starters, it looks like you are dragging a Crown Royal bag between your legs and I am not even going to say anything about the peen. It goes without saying that it needs to be kept covered - especially if you’ve got the turtleneck. They hand out towels at the door. Use it.

Let's move on to the sauna or the steam room and say hi to "Mr. Lay  Down Naked on the Bench" Guy. He is a close relative of the naked shaver. Don't do it. It makes you look really creepy. Even worse than the naked shaver. Why? Because you are laying down. Oh...and by the way, please refrain from the deep sighs while you are in there. We know it's hot. That is why we went in there, so please keep your labored breathing to yourself. K? K.

And keeping with the locker room theme, how about you Mr. “I have to set my gym bag down on the bench so no one else can sit down” guy. In case you didn’t know, benches are for sitting, not your gym bag, so put it on the floor. I need to sit down on the bench to tie my shoes shoes or put on a pair of socks and it’s pretty difficult to do with your gym bag and it's contents sprawled all over the place. And your junk best not be hanging out either or there's gonna be trouble.

Next up on my hit list...The Reformed Smoker.